The Common Cold

absolute zero · 02-06-2008, 06:48 PM

Through my bedroom door
I feel Elvis shaking
The walls and I imagine
Her on ocean blue chair
Drinking coffee, eyes glued

On Golden Girls, laughing
While she loses bad
In the kitchen, burning
Gas on the stove
Her Empty Yahtzee card

And mine full. She dies
When I share
A new joke. I poke
And prod, a brand new
Stethoscope could not hear her

Heart beating. It was cheap.
Her eyes fall. She rasps
To three twice, digs
Down deeper, fills
Wet lungs to seven and

XWallace · 02-06-2008, 11:42 PM

I love the nostalgia, all the time-period descriptions work well. I like the stethoscope as well, "it was cheap" almost implying to me that the relationship was cheap, or her life was cheap.

I liked the ending a lot more the first read than the third time around. The abruptness was a cool trick, I just don't get the feeling that it's continuous with the narrarator's feelings about the situation.

I liked it.

shadygrady · 02-07-2008, 04:19 PM

interesting poetry my sioux falls brotha from anotha motha

I liked the ending especially , Stethoscope could not hear her heartbeating. It was cheap.

regardless if it was new or old.. it couldn't hear her hearbeat that's what i got from it dude lol

good to see you writing bud

stay up

Quotive · 02-14-2008, 03:42 PM

seven and what?

?

Mind~$oul · 02-19-2008, 05:51 PM

Always good reading something from you. Like I told you already I loved the imagery in the first two stanzas. The emotions weren't too strong, but it still brought a great sense of nostalgia (like somebody mentioned above). Sorry for your lost.

One luv

Quotive · 02-21-2008, 01:28 PM

how come nobody ever shows me their poetry?

dan, you bitch.

DaJackle · 02-22-2008, 01:18 AM

hey bro, nice imagery. I love how the enjambments created a sense of abruptness, and how it controls the flow of the whole piece. good read, thanks!

UFO the Phoenix · 02-23-2008, 03:12 AM

you always been ill with it

keep writing

Brit Boi Gee · 03-27-2008, 11:16 PM

Always liked reading your poems, and this was no exception. Very nice piece. Loved the "empty yahtzee card" part.

02-06-2008, 06:48 PM	#1 (permalink)
absolute zero I got id. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NO NO NO Posts: 7,199	The Common Cold Through my bedroom door I feel Elvis shaking The walls and I imagine Her on ocean blue chair Drinking coffee, eyes glued On Golden Girls, laughing While she loses bad In the kitchen, burning Gas on the stove Her Empty Yahtzee card And mine full. She dies When I share A new joke. I poke And prod, a brand new Stethoscope could not hear her Heart beating. It was cheap. Her eyes fall. She rasps To three twice, digs Down deeper, fills Wet lungs to seven and __________________ They say money changes you but money don't change you it just makes you more of what you already are.

02-07-2008, 04:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
shadygrady nate short's the name Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sioux FIZZY... aka sioux falls south dakota... hey someone's got to represent the MidWest Posts: 521	interesting poetry my sioux falls brotha from anotha motha I liked the ending especially , Stethoscope could not hear her heartbeating. It was cheap. regardless if it was new or old.. it couldn't hear her hearbeat that's what i got from it dude lol good to see you writing bud stay up __________________ life is too damn short yo get out and get your's I love my family

02-19-2008, 05:51 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mind~$oul I'm Pretty Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: North Memphis BITCH! Posts: 17,139	Always good reading something from you. Like I told you already I loved the imagery in the first two stanzas. The emotions weren't too strong, but it still brought a great sense of nostalgia (like somebody mentioned above). Sorry for your lost. One luv __________________ "Everybody wanna be a nicca, but don't nobody wanna be a nicca"-Paul Mooney "I tried to live right, but society aint made for niccas to live right"-Joe Budden

02-22-2008, 01:18 AM	#7 (permalink)
DaJackle ThoughtS ProcessinG Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 493	hey bro, nice imagery. I love how the enjambments created a sense of abruptness, and how it controls the flow of the whole piece. good read, thanks! __________________ You can only do so much in life, at some point you just have to let go and let God decide...what is the meaning of life? it's very simple...to simply live

02-23-2008, 03:12 AM	#8 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	you always been ill with it keep writing __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

02-06-2008, 11:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
XWallace Registered User Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 6	I love the nostalgia, all the time-period descriptions work well. I like the stethoscope as well, "it was cheap" almost implying to me that the relationship was cheap, or her life was cheap. I liked the ending a lot more the first read than the third time around. The abruptness was a cool trick, I just don't get the feeling that it's continuous with the narrarator's feelings about the situation. I liked it.

03-27-2008, 11:16 PM	#9 (permalink)
Brit Boi Gee manifest the zen Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Near To Athena Posts: 15,847	Always liked reading your poems, and this was no exception. Very nice piece. Loved the "empty yahtzee card" part. __________________ Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel. -William Shakespeare Brit Boi has a highly calibrated wifermometer

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