I could never tell you

This is a discussion on I could never tell you within the Poetry Realm forums, part of the Intellect Zone category; I loved her deep, like I love you. Sentences can be like hemlock sleep. I made water of her eyes ...


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Old 10-29-2007, 12:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
manifest the zen
 
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I could never tell you
I loved her deep, like I love you.
Sentences can be like hemlock
sleep.
I made water of her eyes
like Orpheus, took a pen
near the reef.
Her iris had a ring of white
scattered sand.
We were pure and diaphanous
light as summer. Then I fell,
heavy as cement, my one sided heart
slung its spirit into you.
We burned on a wiccan beach fire
as I kissed you under a starless sky.
I have undone a heart.
So I shall be shot by a thousand stars
and you will charge the karma.
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Old 11-01-2007, 07:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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short n sweet ..

if I were to critique anything about it .. it'd be the 2 descriptives:

light as summer ~ I don't really find this the best use of a descriptive word for light .. as summer is actually in my mind .. a heavy season .. heavy heat .. heavy sun .. heavy breath .. etc. ..

heavy as cement ~ on the reverse of ^ .. cement is certainly heavy .. but as a poetic description to tie in with the rest of the vocab contained in this verse .. it just feels out of place or even lazy use of wording ..

it was a nice little read .. and that's all I could really pick up on as having a kind of 'fault' ..
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Old 11-01-2007, 08:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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So I shall be shot by a thousand stars
and you will charge the karma.

sooooooooo fly haha
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Old 11-02-2007, 01:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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ok, Im a little slow sometimes, so I had to read this a few time to get it. I liked it but I have to agree with LokStok about the "light as summer" useage.
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Old 11-02-2007, 01:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by LokStok View Post
short n sweet ..

if I were to critique anything about it .. it'd be the 2 descriptives:

light as summer ~ I don't really find this the best use of a descriptive word for light .. as summer is actually in my mind .. a heavy season .. heavy heat .. heavy sun .. heavy breath .. etc. ..

heavy as cement ~ on the reverse of ^ .. cement is certainly heavy .. but as a poetic description to tie in with the rest of the vocab contained in this verse .. it just feels out of place or even lazy use of wording ..

it was a nice little read .. and that's all I could really pick up on as having a kind of 'fault' ..
interestingly you picked two parts I was never entirely happy with, so ima work on that

thanks for the feedback everyone
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Old 11-08-2007, 04:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
N CuM oN Ya BrAiN
 
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your way with words is something I slightly remember as being unique in the way you expressed them and that fits this as well....

it has an appeal in more your view than in the concept itself.... you've taken a pretty normal concept and gave it a unique feel is what I mean. interesting
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Old 11-09-2007, 08:35 AM   #7 (permalink)
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i wish i could write..

like you.
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Old 11-14-2007, 07:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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good allusions
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Old 11-20-2007, 01:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Beautiful.
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Old 12-20-2007, 11:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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nice drop
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Old 12-23-2007, 02:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I read this a few times, and that "I made water of her eyes" part gets me every time. It reads so simple but yet it forces this vivid image in my head. That and the last two lines were magnificent, though I have to agree with the "heavy as cement" and "light as summer" phrases. Still though, the word choice was impeccable in this.
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Old 12-25-2007, 09:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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So I shall be shot by a thousand stars
and you will charge the karma.

absolutely amazing.
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Old 12-25-2007, 09:43 PM   #13 (permalink)
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a moment wakening
m
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Old 01-11-2008, 02:29 AM   #14 (permalink)
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i kinda dug this joint... i jus dont like when i read the word "like" in a poem... but, nice job...
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Old 02-03-2008, 03:23 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I could never tell you
I loved her deep, like I love you.
Sentences can be like hemlock
sleep.
I made water of her eyes
like Orpheus, took a pen
near the reef.
Her iris had a ring of white
scattered sand.
We were pure and diaphanous
light as summer. Then I fell,
heavy as cement, my one sided heart
slung its spirit into you.
We burned on a wiccan beach fire
as I kissed you under a starless sky.
I have undone a heart.
So I shall be shot by a thousand stars
and you will charge the karma.


i got a question for ya buddy.... do you get paid for this?? lol

and if you don't than you need to be getting your dividends off of this

very good read.. as always

keep writing bud
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Old 02-24-2008, 12:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!
 
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Wonderful piece here....like a short film packed with intense drama...I loved it

thanks for sharing
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Old 03-02-2008, 11:07 PM   #17 (permalink)
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brit, I'm always impress with the amount of techinques that are involve in your poems. You have so much weapon in your arsenal, that your poems are just simply amazing. I have so much respect for you, and this piece is wonderful. I continually evolve when I read well written piece, or even just a hertfelt piece. And everyone here is so diverse that it's awesome!
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