lost hope (letting you all know why i haven't been here for awhile, plz understand)

Deaf Def · 09-05-2006, 01:28 AM

sorry to everyone for not reading and replying to ur threads... i hope this poem helps make more sense of it. but remember i will be back and i do miss all of you who have showed me much love... i wrote this piece to help you better understand why i have been gone for awhile. i live with my parents right now and times is rough... 5 years in the relationship! but i wanted to show you i do care and i will be back! this is my only way right now of showing you all love by giving you a piece of understanding. it's in all lower-case for a reason.

again i'm very sorry!

lost hope:

dreams crack like glass, too week
yestarday's garbage
fast majority don't believe
jumping off the edge
hobbies seam to decrease
from the words she said
i'm lost in my own world
hurt by living, hurt more by dead
i tread the waters deep
supple lips, the water seeps between
i sleep none, is this for keeps?
i miss my son, try not to weep
god lift me up, on my feet
stride for the begining
my ending, is at close reach
stuck behind a computer screen
pass the time!
i don't care what tomorrow brings
it holds nothing instore for me
my eyes bleed, tears fall from cheak
please show me
what the fuck this is supposed to mean
i've lost all hope,
how can i keep my sanity?

lpoet · 09-05-2006, 08:10 AM

raw piece..feels real..i loved the emotion and the simplicity of the piece...you seemed to really stay within yourself in this piece..sort of reminds me of something i would write..very relateable piece..
nice job

~WORDZ~ · 09-05-2006, 11:11 AM

definitely a raw piece. Feels like you want her to read this. But, I didn't like the structure of this drop. For instance:

"dreams crack like glass, too week
yestarday's garbage
fast majority don't believe
jumping off the edge
hobbies seam to decrease
from the words she said
i'm lost in my own world
hurt by living, hurt more by dead
i tread the waters deep"

here in the first part you got the end of the lines rhyming but then in the second part.

"supple lips, the water seeps between
i sleep none, is this for keeps?
i miss my son, try not to weep
god lift me up, on my feet
stride for the begining
my ending, is at close reach
stuck behind a computer screen
pass the time!
i don't care what tomorrow brings
it holds nothing instore for me"

you had some parts in the middle of the lines rhyme with the end of the lines, and middle parts rhyme with other middle parts. Then in the last part you went bact to just having the end of the lines rhyme. Im not saying this style was bad by any means, its just that it was a harder read then it needed to be. Seems like this was not a poem to be a poem but your emotions put in ink no matter the outcome.

in4it · 09-06-2006, 11:32 AM

dreams crack like glass, too week
yestarday's garbage
fast majority don't believe
jumping off the edge
hobbies seam to decrease
from the words she said
i'm lost in my own world
hurt by living, hurt more by dead
i tread the waters deep
supple lips, the water seeps between
i sleep none, is this for keeps?
i miss my son, try not to weep
god lift me up, on my feet
\\

defenitly feeling this been there tight piece

lexismom682 · 09-06-2006, 09:02 PM

I like the way it sounds, and it is very real. Things will get better

Linxz · 09-07-2006, 04:18 AM

Drink Up

Deaf Def · 09-08-2006, 10:46 AM

thanks Ipoet, Wordz, In4it, my girl Lexismom, Linxz all for showin much love/understanding. I appriciate it a lot. ya'll take care and god bless you!

DenDen · 09-09-2006, 03:55 PM

I felt the emotion in this piece. I liked it •••••••••• as well.

When you have the chance, could you give me some feedback on the topic i posted called Skin on Skin.

CLICK HERE TO VISIT THE TOPIC

Peace,

Deaf Def · 09-15-2006, 01:33 AM

thanks for the feedback den!

UFO the Phoenix · 09-20-2006, 11:52 AM

well man I know you hit me up and were going thru mad drama but you always seem to come thru man...you seem to be one of those cats that are very strong and keep their word in the mist of chaos....people like that are hard to come by and Bhitiah thinks so highly of you and thats another rare thing to come by...ha....but truth be told I think you holding back on us....this felt rushed this felt uncertain this didnt feel like deaf def all the way....I know you got drama right now....truth be told we all do....sighs....but yo you gonna be ok cause you a strong cat...and thats real

you also seem to be borderline spiritaul.....and I like to play that part myself but I guess sooner are later God is gonna kick you over board if you dont step up....I wrote bout have no hope and being lost.....but then I realize something your never lost if you have hope....and hope takes alot of faith and faith is the hardest thing to have these times when God's divine protection has lefted away from America

oh oh

Sorry I'm going off on my tangents again....back to the poem....the lower cases?...whats up with that....is that how you feel....you seem to have your own word slang in this and I admire that...."week"...."dead" instead of death...."keeps"....and sleep....and you know although this is very simplistic and cat and hat flows....there seems to be more to it....this also felt like it was written on the computer and I heard the best poetry comes when you write with the pen and pad....so maybe you could try that....if you feel trapped behind your computer screen?

and if you want God to lift you up all you have to do is lift up your hands...he's picked me back up when I should of been left for dead....Lord knows I'm not the perfect saint....but I also know that God loves his people...and you appear to be one of his so your in good hands....the moment you realize this I think your problems of lost hope and sainity will be solved

thats just being real

pz

Definit_ · 09-20-2006, 07:17 PM

Very uncut raw.. I loved this piece man & I can understand the struggle man. Im facing similar discouragements.. I don't want to drown you with advice, cause it's better to let the poems show your process.. even if it is from worst to worst.. Nonetheless.. this moved me.. nothing really to over look, or no need to read between the lines much with this, cause what you see is what you get. Beautiful..

Bless.

absolute zero · 09-20-2006, 07:33 PM

I know it's been said before, but raw is how I would define it as well. And this time, I'm going to suggest you keep it this way rather than editing it. I don't know the exact specifications of your mishappenings lately, but if this is what it brings, don't change it. dope stuff.

Bless.

Deaf Def · 09-21-2006, 12:04 AM

WoW UFO, I appriciate the responce. Very deep and that's also something you don't come accross these days. This was a very simplistic piece, yet very complex in the thought behind it. Such as I am a very simplistic man. I also write things in a way that almost anyone can understand or relate to, either way it's very readable and can be very enjoyable. And to compare me to Dr. Sues!!! that man was a genious to write children's books in the way that he did... words simple, the way it was worded... some adults struggle with! so i admire being compared to him hahaha. That's the kind of writing I enjoy to disperse.

God is there for me don't worry bout me, I'll be iight, just goin through alot lately and just trying to get through it!

Bhitiah thinks very highly of me huh? lol didn't really know that, but she's a cool kat! although... lol i don't see her responce on here

... oh wait she was the 1st to read this on AIM (no i didn't forget i'm just messin with ya Bhi). I can understand it's hard to get good reviews with her, but she's real and you must be real and be able to write some pretty good stuff for her to like it, she's just deep in thought man! but thanks!

Definit_ thanks for the responce, appricate it very much!

Absolute 0. thanks man much love! your responce is always enjoyable and doesn't go unnoticed! and that's real... thank you all very much!!! keep ya heads up, i'll be iight!

Deaf

UnknownLady · 09-23-2006, 05:54 PM

Just wanted to show you some love. I haven't been here in a while and I am getting my nerve to come back but I just wanted to let you know that your piece was very felt.

I felt your emoitions and to me that makes it a good piece.

Keep up the good work.

Deaf Def · 10-02-2006, 02:49 AM

Unknown Lady, thanks for the Love, much love back at cha. can't wait to hear some of your stuff... i've been so very busy lately i barely have time to peep other people's responces to my own piece. but i thank you again, try to get somethin up so we can see where you're at!

09-05-2006, 01:28 AM	#1 (permalink)
Deaf Def Tha WordSmith Join Date: Apr 2000 Location: Yakima, Washington Posts: 1,225	lost hope (letting you all know why i haven't been here for awhile, plz understand) sorry to everyone for not reading and replying to ur threads... i hope this poem helps make more sense of it. but remember i will be back and i do miss all of you who have showed me much love... i wrote this piece to help you better understand why i have been gone for awhile. i live with my parents right now and times is rough... 5 years in the relationship! but i wanted to show you i do care and i will be back! this is my only way right now of showing you all love by giving you a piece of understanding. it's in all lower-case for a reason. again i'm very sorry! lost hope: dreams crack like glass, too week yestarday's garbage fast majority don't believe jumping off the edge hobbies seam to decrease from the words she said i'm lost in my own world hurt by living, hurt more by dead i tread the waters deep supple lips, the water seeps between i sleep none, is this for keeps? i miss my son, try not to weep god lift me up, on my feet stride for the begining my ending, is at close reach stuck behind a computer screen pass the time! i don't care what tomorrow brings it holds nothing instore for me my eyes bleed, tears fall from cheak please show me what the fuck this is supposed to mean i've lost all hope, how can i keep my sanity? __________________ Pz. OnE! www.soundclick.com/deafdef<- Listen to my music here (myspace page has finally arrived, more tracks up soon!) www.myspace.com/deafdef - www.myspace.com/deafinitdefinition (will be up soon) R.I.P. The Leitch (in your memory)

09-05-2006, 08:10 AM	#2 (permalink)
lpoet POET Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 12,672	raw piece..feels real..i loved the emotion and the simplicity of the piece...you seemed to really stay within yourself in this piece..sort of reminds me of something i would write..very relateable piece.. nice job __________________ "SHE CAME BACK TO ME AND I PRAY SHE STAYS" --lpoet

09-06-2006, 11:32 AM	#4 (permalink)
in4it this is the way we roll Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Da Ill state aint no love in it Posts: 2,778	dreams crack like glass, too week yestarday's garbage fast majority don't believe jumping off the edge hobbies seam to decrease from the words she said i'm lost in my own world hurt by living, hurt more by dead i tread the waters deep supple lips, the water seeps between i sleep none, is this for keeps? i miss my son, try not to weep god lift me up, on my feet \\ defenitly feeling this been there tight piece __________________ IN LOVING MEMORY OF FRANCISCO J. REYES JR YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS FEB. 10 1984 TO JAN. 9 2004 R.I.P

09-07-2006, 04:18 AM	#6 (permalink)
Linxz What! Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 3,936	Drink Up __________________ TeamGutter These Text cats like remotes Yall Gone Head And Test They Watch Me Like I'm Tv So They Bound To Press

09-08-2006, 10:46 AM	#7 (permalink)
Deaf Def Tha WordSmith Join Date: Apr 2000 Location: Yakima, Washington Posts: 1,225	thanks Ipoet, Wordz, In4it, my girl Lexismom, Linxz all for showin much love/understanding. I appriciate it a lot. ya'll take care and god bless you! __________________ Pz. OnE! www.soundclick.com/deafdef<- Listen to my music here (myspace page has finally arrived, more tracks up soon!) www.myspace.com/deafdef - www.myspace.com/deafinitdefinition (will be up soon) R.I.P. The Leitch (in your memory)

09-05-2006, 11:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
~WORDZ~ Words are my mind state Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: in the inner circle Posts: 196	definitely a raw piece. Feels like you want her to read this. But, I didn't like the structure of this drop. For instance: "dreams crack like glass, too week yestarday's garbage fast majority don't believe jumping off the edge hobbies seam to decrease from the words she said i'm lost in my own world hurt by living, hurt more by dead i tread the waters deep" here in the first part you got the end of the lines rhyming but then in the second part. "supple lips, the water seeps between i sleep none, is this for keeps? i miss my son, try not to weep god lift me up, on my feet stride for the begining my ending, is at close reach stuck behind a computer screen pass the time! i don't care what tomorrow brings it holds nothing instore for me" you had some parts in the middle of the lines rhyme with the end of the lines, and middle parts rhyme with other middle parts. Then in the last part you went bact to just having the end of the lines rhyme. Im not saying this style was bad by any means, its just that it was a harder read then it needed to be. Seems like this was not a poem to be a poem but your emotions put in ink no matter the outcome.

09-06-2006, 09:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
lexismom682 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 1	I like the way it sounds, and it is very real. Things will get better

09-09-2006, 03:55 PM	#8 (permalink)
DenDen The Voice of Reason Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 14	I felt the emotion in this piece. I liked it •••••••••• as well. When you have the chance, could you give me some feedback on the topic i posted called Skin on Skin. CLICK HERE TO VISIT THE TOPIC Peace, __________________ M U S I C G R O O V E E N T E R T A I N M E N T Online Community \| Online Store \| Free Beats Last edited by DenDen; 09-09-2006 at 04:09 PM.

09-15-2006, 01:33 AM	#9 (permalink)
Deaf Def Tha WordSmith Join Date: Apr 2000 Location: Yakima, Washington Posts: 1,225	thanks for the feedback den! __________________ Pz. OnE! www.soundclick.com/deafdef<- Listen to my music here (myspace page has finally arrived, more tracks up soon!) www.myspace.com/deafdef - www.myspace.com/deafinitdefinition (will be up soon) R.I.P. The Leitch (in your memory)

09-20-2006, 11:52 AM	#10 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	well man I know you hit me up and were going thru mad drama but you always seem to come thru man...you seem to be one of those cats that are very strong and keep their word in the mist of chaos....people like that are hard to come by and Bhitiah thinks so highly of you and thats another rare thing to come by...ha....but truth be told I think you holding back on us....this felt rushed this felt uncertain this didnt feel like deaf def all the way....I know you got drama right now....truth be told we all do....sighs....but yo you gonna be ok cause you a strong cat...and thats real you also seem to be borderline spiritaul.....and I like to play that part myself but I guess sooner are later God is gonna kick you over board if you dont step up....I wrote bout have no hope and being lost.....but then I realize something your never lost if you have hope....and hope takes alot of faith and faith is the hardest thing to have these times when God's divine protection has lefted away from America oh oh Sorry I'm going off on my tangents again....back to the poem....the lower cases?...whats up with that....is that how you feel....you seem to have your own word slang in this and I admire that...."week"...."dead" instead of death...."keeps"....and sleep....and you know although this is very simplistic and cat and hat flows....there seems to be more to it....this also felt like it was written on the computer and I heard the best poetry comes when you write with the pen and pad....so maybe you could try that....if you feel trapped behind your computer screen? and if you want God to lift you up all you have to do is lift up your hands...he's picked me back up when I should of been left for dead....Lord knows I'm not the perfect saint....but I also know that God loves his people...and you appear to be one of his so your in good hands....the moment you realize this I think your problems of lost hope and sainity will be solved thats just being real pz __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

09-20-2006, 07:17 PM	#11 (permalink)
Definit_ P0ETiiCLiiCHE' Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: "Im From The State That Is IL" Posts: 206	Very uncut raw.. I loved this piece man & I can understand the struggle man. Im facing similar discouragements.. I don't want to drown you with advice, cause it's better to let the poems show your process.. even if it is from worst to worst.. Nonetheless.. this moved me.. nothing really to over look, or no need to read between the lines much with this, cause what you see is what you get. Beautiful.. Bless.

09-20-2006, 07:33 PM	#12 (permalink)
absolute zero I got id. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NO NO NO Posts: 7,199	I know it's been said before, but raw is how I would define it as well. And this time, I'm going to suggest you keep it this way rather than editing it. I don't know the exact specifications of your mishappenings lately, but if this is what it brings, don't change it. dope stuff. Bless. __________________ They say money changes you but money don't change you it just makes you more of what you already are.

09-21-2006, 12:04 AM	#13 (permalink)
Deaf Def Tha WordSmith Join Date: Apr 2000 Location: Yakima, Washington Posts: 1,225	WoW UFO, I appriciate the responce. Very deep and that's also something you don't come accross these days. This was a very simplistic piece, yet very complex in the thought behind it. Such as I am a very simplistic man. I also write things in a way that almost anyone can understand or relate to, either way it's very readable and can be very enjoyable. And to compare me to Dr. Sues!!! that man was a genious to write children's books in the way that he did... words simple, the way it was worded... some adults struggle with! so i admire being compared to him hahaha. That's the kind of writing I enjoy to disperse. God is there for me don't worry bout me, I'll be iight, just goin through alot lately and just trying to get through it! Bhitiah thinks very highly of me huh? lol didn't really know that, but she's a cool kat! although... lol i don't see her responce on here ... oh wait she was the 1st to read this on AIM (no i didn't forget i'm just messin with ya Bhi). I can understand it's hard to get good reviews with her, but she's real and you must be real and be able to write some pretty good stuff for her to like it, she's just deep in thought man! but thanks! Definit_ thanks for the responce, appricate it very much! Absolute 0. thanks man much love! your responce is always enjoyable and doesn't go unnoticed! and that's real... thank you all very much!!! keep ya heads up, i'll be iight! Deaf __________________ Pz. OnE! www.soundclick.com/deafdef<- Listen to my music here (myspace page has finally arrived, more tracks up soon!) www.myspace.com/deafdef - www.myspace.com/deafinitdefinition (will be up soon) R.I.P. The Leitch (in your memory)

09-23-2006, 05:54 PM	#14 (permalink)
UnknownLady Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Baton Rouge, LA (For Now) Posts: 811	Just wanted to show you some love. I haven't been here in a while and I am getting my nerve to come back but I just wanted to let you know that your piece was very felt. I felt your emoitions and to me that makes it a good piece. Keep up the good work. __________________ It is better to love and be love. Love has hurt me and now that I have been hurt love means nothing to me. Uknownlady

10-02-2006, 02:49 AM	#15 (permalink)
Deaf Def Tha WordSmith Join Date: Apr 2000 Location: Yakima, Washington Posts: 1,225	Unknown Lady, thanks for the Love, much love back at cha. can't wait to hear some of your stuff... i've been so very busy lately i barely have time to peep other people's responces to my own piece. but i thank you again, try to get somethin up so we can see where you're at! __________________ Pz. OnE! www.soundclick.com/deafdef<- Listen to my music here (myspace page has finally arrived, more tracks up soon!) www.myspace.com/deafdef - www.myspace.com/deafinitdefinition (will be up soon) R.I.P. The Leitch (in your memory)

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