Train of Thought

Xero Satsujin · 08-29-2006, 01:29 AM

I wasn't gonna post this, but I figure why the hell not? Anyway, it's not finished, but it's all I got for now...

I once boarded a train that crossed at the roads of perdition so I could finally see. My eyes opened wide as my mind escaped and was free. So many passengers on the car I wanted to be alone to think. I unsheathed my pen, pulled free a parchment and began to sink. Going deeper between the lines, they were like thighs and I was making love. I pushed them apart and kept the rhythm steady like the wings of a dove.

Peace was at hand and I reached out to get a hold. Then I shrank back and shivered because the nights here are beyond cold. Yet the plush velvet took me in to where there is no sun. Stars mapped the runway and a voice said run. I didn’t feel the ground at first, but my legs agreed with the notion. One step, two steps, three steps, and then I felt the sway of locomotion. The brakes were hit as the conductor called out the next stop. There was metaphor after metaphor, all being sewn like a regular crop.

A few passengers exited the train in single file. But as always, there was someone blocking the aisle. I peered over my seat to see what was blocking everybody up in seat 2C. There was nothing to see but the cold air coming in through the window in seat 2B. It scarred and scared the bitter who’d forgotten their coats. But as I looked closer, they were all writers who’d forgotten their notes. I sat back in my seat and patiently waited for the others to pass. I stared at the paper because my reflection stared back through the glass.

I put the pen back to the paper and felt it throbbing in my hand. Like a heart beat I felt the ink flow as it awaited my command. I started with slow strokes like the reluctant kisses of a hesitant lover. Not wanting to get over zealous in finding a way, but I could think of no other. I was coaxed back in until it hurt. Next thing I knew I found myself face first in the dirt. A river bank lay before me and I could hear a waterfall. People were climbing from the mud but over the edge to escape it all.

poeticdreamz · 08-29-2006, 08:29 AM

Beautiful, i loved it. I'll be looking for the rest of this piece cuz everything about it was great. I mean i could see it, every word helped the visualization and it was damn near perfect.

HILARIONSOUL · 08-30-2006, 06:17 PM

I love the story form
Man you did a great job on this one.
I know i will come back just to relive
that mental picture you gave me through this piece..
It's wrote to be read over and over again.
Finish this one... Yeah

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xero Satsujin

I wasn't gonna post this, but I figure why the hell not? Anyway, it's not finished, but it's all I got for now...

I once boarded a train that crossed at the roads of perdition so I could finally see. My eyes opened wide as my mind escaped and was free. So many passengers on the car I wanted to be alone to think. I unsheathed my pen, pulled free a parchment and began to sink. Going deeper between the lines, they were like thighs and I was making love. I pushed them apart and kept the rhythm steady like the wings of a dove.

Peace was at hand and I reached out to get a hold. Then I shrank back and shivered because the nights here are beyond cold. Yet the plush velvet took me in to where there is no sun. Stars mapped the runway and a voice said run. I didn’t feel the ground at first, but my legs agreed with the notion. One step, two steps, three steps, and then I felt the sway of locomotion. The brakes were hit as the conductor called out the next stop. There was metaphor after metaphor, all being sewn like a regular crop.

A few passengers exited the train in single file. But as always, there was someone blocking the aisle. I peered over my seat to see what was blocking everybody up in seat 2C. There was nothing to see but the cold air coming in through the window in seat 2B. It scarred and scared the bitter who’d forgotten their coats. But as I looked closer, they were all writers who’d forgotten their notes. I sat back in my seat and patiently waited for the others to pass. I stared at the paper because my reflection stared back through the glass.

I put the pen back to the paper and felt it throbbing in my hand. Like a heart beat I felt the ink flow as it awaited my command. I started with slow strokes like the reluctant kisses of a hesitant lover. Not wanting to get over zealous in finding a way, but I could think of no other. I was coaxed back in until it hurt. Next thing I knew I found myself face first in the dirt. A river bank lay before me and I could hear a waterfall. People were climbing from the mud but over the edge to escape it all.

Nebulaz · 09-01-2006, 07:05 PM

I love how you wrote this in a paragraph form it was brilliant. It felt like a story that was perfectly broken into their own respective parts. If thats all you have so far, I can't wait to see what you have in store. Please post the finished product as well.!

UFO the Phoenix · 09-02-2006, 12:56 PM

YEAH!!!!!!!!!......Xero.....I've always love reading your work and this was like a miniture novel....the cocept was so ill....the whole being on a train and then the writer metaphor....ha.....you took this to new levels....I would like to read more it feels unfinished

Bhitiah · 09-03-2006, 01:07 AM

^^ It feels unfinished because it's not finished, as he clearly said before he posted it.

It's so good to see you here, posting. I love to read your writing.

lewdDog · 09-05-2006, 04:33 AM

i defenitly need to read the rest when u finish but so far this is good but i dont have the full picture yet...keep it going

~WORDZ~ · 09-05-2006, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poeticdreamz

Beautiful, i loved it. I'll be looking for the rest of this piece cuz everything about it was great. I mean i could see it, every word helped the visualization and it was damn near perfect.

yep what he said.

lpoet · 09-11-2006, 04:08 PM

ah...this was refressing..i've been slacking in the reading department lately so this makes me feel good....feels like an excert from a good book...is this plagerised...ofcourse it is...haha..j/k...good shit man..the imagery was off the chain..i felt like i was on the train watching the story unfold...

finish this joint up..i wanna see where you take this..

misspimp · 09-13-2006, 02:03 PM

Not wanting to get over zealous

this piece was beautiful overall....i picked out the above line because i've used that very same line in too many of my poems...

u are awsome....lvoing that i can still view your work....

mad love

Definit_ · 09-13-2006, 02:12 PM

You Had From The First Paragraph.. Just A Beautiful Piece, Very Well Written..

Going deeper between the lines, they were like thighs and I was making love. I pushed them apart and kept the rhythm steady like the wings of a dove.

^^Just Beautiful.. One Of The Things I Liked Most About This Piece Was That The Imagery Was Very Accurately Mapped Out.. What I Was Reading Was What I Was seeing.. Well Done.

Bless.

Mind~$oul · 09-20-2006, 01:34 AM

Damn I haven't seen you around in a good minute man. I remember when you first started posting here I use to hate reading your work beacuse you always put it in paragraph form. Now lately I've been writing a lot of stuff in that same form lol. Matter of fact the last two I've posted have been in that form.

I always thought you were one of the best with stories here in the realm. No rust in you at all. Finish this up man!

One luv

Evg.poet · 09-20-2006, 05:28 PM

and of course your poetry/story has its own flow...full of emotion and crazy descriptions...and metaphors that acyually allows you to visualize what you read

absolute zero · 09-27-2006, 10:07 AM

Diggin the story format. It was interesting to see a piece in paragraph form......AABB format.

Anyways, yeah. Not much else to be said, but loving the story. Stay up.

Bless.

Poetic Concept · 09-27-2006, 12:56 PM

I thought it was good some of the rhyming was forced and the structure was odd, and like everyone else including yourself that isnt finished The concept was great however I thought the imagery couldnt have gotten better as I was reading I could actually visualize the entire scenario and scenery good job

08-29-2006, 01:29 AM	#1 (permalink)
Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Sinking into the paper, like I was ink Posts: 2,196	Train of Thought I wasn't gonna post this, but I figure why the hell not? Anyway, it's not finished, but it's all I got for now... I once boarded a train that crossed at the roads of perdition so I could finally see. My eyes opened wide as my mind escaped and was free. So many passengers on the car I wanted to be alone to think. I unsheathed my pen, pulled free a parchment and began to sink. Going deeper between the lines, they were like thighs and I was making love. I pushed them apart and kept the rhythm steady like the wings of a dove. Peace was at hand and I reached out to get a hold. Then I shrank back and shivered because the nights here are beyond cold. Yet the plush velvet took me in to where there is no sun. Stars mapped the runway and a voice said run. I didn’t feel the ground at first, but my legs agreed with the notion. One step, two steps, three steps, and then I felt the sway of locomotion. The brakes were hit as the conductor called out the next stop. There was metaphor after metaphor, all being sewn like a regular crop. A few passengers exited the train in single file. But as always, there was someone blocking the aisle. I peered over my seat to see what was blocking everybody up in seat 2C. There was nothing to see but the cold air coming in through the window in seat 2B. It scarred and scared the bitter who’d forgotten their coats. But as I looked closer, they were all writers who’d forgotten their notes. I sat back in my seat and patiently waited for the others to pass. I stared at the paper because my reflection stared back through the glass. I put the pen back to the paper and felt it throbbing in my hand. Like a heart beat I felt the ink flow as it awaited my command. I started with slow strokes like the reluctant kisses of a hesitant lover. Not wanting to get over zealous in finding a way, but I could think of no other. I was coaxed back in until it hurt. Next thing I knew I found myself face first in the dirt. A river bank lay before me and I could hear a waterfall. People were climbing from the mud but over the edge to escape it all. __________________ !.¸(`!.¸Xero Satsujin¸.!`)¸.! "Laissez les bon temps rouler" "Time to a writer is like play dough in the hands of a toddler..."

08-29-2006, 08:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
poeticdreamz Tha Dreamer Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Miami,FL 305 Posts: 78	Beautiful, i loved it. I'll be looking for the rest of this piece cuz everything about it was great. I mean i could see it, every word helped the visualization and it was damn near perfect. __________________ Words seem to consist of letters in lines, but all my words consist of are thoughts in minds.

09-01-2006, 07:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
Nebulaz fear God, not man Join Date: Mar 2001 Posts: 935	I love how you wrote this in a paragraph form it was brilliant. It felt like a story that was perfectly broken into their own respective parts. If thats all you have so far, I can't wait to see what you have in store. Please post the finished product as well.! __________________ "It is impossible to account for the creation of the universe without the agency of a Supreme Being. It is impossible to govern the universe without the aid of a Supreme Being. It is impossible to reason without arriving at a Supreme Being. Religion is as necessary to reason as reason is to religion. The one cannot exist without the other. A reasoning being would lose reason in attempting to account for the great phenomena of nature, had he not a Supreme Being to refer to; and will has it been said, that if there had been no God, mankind would have been obliged to imagine one." - - George Washington

09-02-2006, 12:56 PM	#5 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	YEAH!!!!!!!!!......Xero.....I've always love reading your work and this was like a miniture novel....the cocept was so ill....the whole being on a train and then the writer metaphor....ha.....you took this to new levels....I would like to read more it feels unfinished __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

09-03-2006, 01:07 AM	#6 (permalink)
Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 1,168	^^ It feels unfinished because it's not finished, as he clearly said before he posted it. It's so good to see you here, posting. I love to read your writing. __________________ You can bomb the world to peices, but cant bomb into peace

09-05-2006, 04:33 AM	#7 (permalink)
lewdDog Life is are own illusion Join Date: May 2003 Location: long island Posts: 340	i defenitly need to read the rest when u finish but so far this is good but i dont have the full picture yet...keep it going __________________ I define myself as unusual because I do what I think is right. I feel that there's a beautiful inspiration of wisdom waiting to evolve itself into it's full natural state in which it deserves to flourish but constantly ignoring the right decision to make too to continue this world of routine of struggle with my self only to believe in self worth Some things are better unsaid; so I write them instead http://www.myspace.com/lewddog

09-11-2006, 04:08 PM	#9 (permalink)
lpoet POET Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 12,672	ah...this was refressing..i've been slacking in the reading department lately so this makes me feel good....feels like an excert from a good book...is this plagerised...ofcourse it is...haha..j/k...good shit man..the imagery was off the chain..i felt like i was on the train watching the story unfold... finish this joint up..i wanna see where you take this.. __________________ "SHE CAME BACK TO ME AND I PRAY SHE STAYS" --lpoet

09-13-2006, 02:03 PM	#10 (permalink)
misspimp a.k.a KATURAH Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Virginia Is For Lovers Posts: 1,308	Not wanting to get over zealous this piece was beautiful overall....i picked out the above line because i've used that very same line in too many of my poems... u are awsome....lvoing that i can still view your work.... mad love __________________ MAD LOVE "Never to suffer would never to have been blessed" ~THE LATE GREAT ~ ~EDGAR ALLEN POE ~

09-13-2006, 02:12 PM	#11 (permalink)
Definit_ P0ETiiCLiiCHE' Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: "Im From The State That Is IL" Posts: 206	You Had From The First Paragraph.. Just A Beautiful Piece, Very Well Written.. Going deeper between the lines, they were like thighs and I was making love. I pushed them apart and kept the rhythm steady like the wings of a dove. ^^Just Beautiful.. One Of The Things I Liked Most About This Piece Was That The Imagery Was Very Accurately Mapped Out.. What I Was Reading Was What I Was seeing.. Well Done. Bless.

09-20-2006, 01:34 AM	#12 (permalink)
Mind~$oul I'm Pretty Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: North Memphis BITCH! Posts: 17,139	Damn I haven't seen you around in a good minute man. I remember when you first started posting here I use to hate reading your work beacuse you always put it in paragraph form. Now lately I've been writing a lot of stuff in that same form lol. Matter of fact the last two I've posted have been in that form. I always thought you were one of the best with stories here in the realm. No rust in you at all. Finish this up man! One luv __________________ "Everybody wanna be a nicca, but don't nobody wanna be a nicca"-Paul Mooney "I tried to live right, but society aint made for niccas to live right"-Joe Budden

09-20-2006, 05:28 PM	#13 (permalink)
Evg.poet As the Heart Speaks... Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: In My Daddys Arms Posts: 253	and of course your poetry/story has its own flow...full of emotion and crazy descriptions...and metaphors that acyually allows you to visualize what you read __________________ Crooked Paths Must Become STRAIGHT

09-27-2006, 10:07 AM	#14 (permalink)
absolute zero I got id. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NO NO NO Posts: 7,199	Diggin the story format. It was interesting to see a piece in paragraph form......AABB format. Anyways, yeah. Not much else to be said, but loving the story. Stay up. Bless. __________________ They say money changes you but money don't change you it just makes you more of what you already are.

09-27-2006, 12:56 PM	#15 (permalink)
Poetic Concept Registered User Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Milwaukee Posts: 257	I thought it was good some of the rhyming was forced and the structure was odd, and like everyone else including yourself that isnt finished The concept was great however I thought the imagery couldnt have gotten better as I was reading I could actually visualize the entire scenario and scenery good job __________________ "The joker laughs at the two-faced mime, my soul is mine, dine on deck, respect the taker, for he was once perfection in the eyes of the maker"

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