i keep fallin

BigTpimpin06 · 07-30-2006, 05:33 AM

i keep fallin i start ballin i try callin theres no one here
im all alone with no one who cares
i start to have many fears of people poppin out of no were
my mind starts to clear i cant hear
is it the fear that overcame my body
i start to die down i cant take the pain
now theres nothin for me to gain
my body is now plain
now i im done i hope u live to move on my son

absolute zero · 07-30-2006, 12:20 PM

Can't say I'm feeling it my friend. Too many grammatical errors: capitalize that stuff, homie. Overall this piece was plain, and the rhymes were forced and it was almost like no thought was put into this at all. I'm not trying to knock you though it just seems like this might be the first poem you've ever written. Keep writing though.......

Bless.

UFO the Phoenix · 07-30-2006, 12:30 PM

not really feeling this....maybe if there was more sturcture and background to your poem...keep writing though

BigTpimpin06 · 07-30-2006, 04:42 PM

well thats all good cause it wuz my first poem but it only took me like 2 min to write it

Deaf Def · 08-03-2006, 02:57 AM

wasn't feelin this either... hmmm.... just too much forced rhymin man. take your time next time and keep it more structured in the way it's written... think more i guess... try harder to put what's important down and then make it rhyme later.... keep trying and don't give up and you will get better!
Pz. OnE!

we're not all perfect, but we can try to be

Bhitiah · 08-05-2006, 05:23 PM

yeah, i agree...forced rhyming...post somethin else...lol

Mind~$oul · 08-09-2006, 05:24 PM

I'm not going to repeat what everybody else said but everybody in here pretty much knows what they are talking about. Well all kinda started rough. It's a growing process man. Looking foward to see more from you soon.

One luv

in4it · 08-10-2006, 05:06 PM

it was alright for your first piece

HILARIONSOUL · 08-12-2006, 03:47 AM

I like what you tried to do... everyone else told you the truth.
Try and re-do this one, rewrite it but this time just take your time..
Think deeper use more imagery.. I’m just know getting back to writing poetry
and I’m not happy with my flow. But I see potential in your style. Don’t focus
to much on the rhyme scheme. Focus more on what you want to say. For example:
How you take time to talk to your girl or a girl you really like. Focus like that.
Don’t worry about if it rhymes through and through.
You’ll get it. I’m new here too.
And the poets here seem cool, they’ll give you feed back, positive and negative.
It’s all good though! It’s for the best. Keep writing..Yeah.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigTpimpin06

i keep fallin i start ballin i try callin theres no one here
im all alone with no one who cares
i start to have many fears of people poppin out of no were
my mind starts to clear i cant hear
is it the fear that overcame my body
i start to die down i cant take the pain
now theres nothin for me to gain
my body is now plain
now i im done i hope u live to move on my son

07-30-2006, 05:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
BigTpimpin06 Registered User Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 60	i keep fallin i keep fallin i start ballin i try callin theres no one here im all alone with no one who cares i start to have many fears of people poppin out of no were my mind starts to clear i cant hear is it the fear that overcame my body i start to die down i cant take the pain now theres nothin for me to gain my body is now plain now i im done i hope u live to move on my son

07-30-2006, 12:20 PM	#2 (permalink)
absolute zero I got id. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NO NO NO Posts: 7,199	Can't say I'm feeling it my friend. Too many grammatical errors: capitalize that stuff, homie. Overall this piece was plain, and the rhymes were forced and it was almost like no thought was put into this at all. I'm not trying to knock you though it just seems like this might be the first poem you've ever written. Keep writing though....... Bless. __________________ They say money changes you but money don't change you it just makes you more of what you already are.

07-30-2006, 12:30 PM	#3 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	not really feeling this....maybe if there was more sturcture and background to your poem...keep writing though __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

08-05-2006, 05:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 1,168	yeah, i agree...forced rhyming...post somethin else...lol __________________ You can bomb the world to peices, but cant bomb into peace

08-09-2006, 05:24 PM	#7 (permalink)
Mind~$oul I'm Pretty Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: North Memphis BITCH! Posts: 17,139	I'm not going to repeat what everybody else said but everybody in here pretty much knows what they are talking about. Well all kinda started rough. It's a growing process man. Looking foward to see more from you soon. One luv __________________ "Everybody wanna be a nicca, but don't nobody wanna be a nicca"-Paul Mooney "I tried to live right, but society aint made for niccas to live right"-Joe Budden

07-30-2006, 04:42 PM	#4 (permalink)
BigTpimpin06 Registered User Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 60	well thats all good cause it wuz my first poem but it only took me like 2 min to write it

08-03-2006, 02:57 AM	#5 (permalink)
Deaf Def Tha WordSmith Join Date: Apr 2000 Location: Yakima, Washington Posts: 1,225	wasn't feelin this either... hmmm.... just too much forced rhymin man. take your time next time and keep it more structured in the way it's written... think more i guess... try harder to put what's important down and then make it rhyme later.... keep trying and don't give up and you will get better! Pz. OnE! we're not all perfect, but we can try to be

08-10-2006, 05:06 PM	#8 (permalink)
in4it this is the way we roll Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Da Ill state aint no love in it Posts: 2,778	it was alright for your first piece __________________ IN LOVING MEMORY OF FRANCISCO J. REYES JR YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS FEB. 10 1984 TO JAN. 9 2004 R.I.P

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