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CommonCents · 07-29-2006, 10:18 PM

Don't blame the white man for everything you do,
Because some of this pain was brought on by you.
Yea they brought us here on ships and whipped us
And sold us like animals, kicked, and dissed us.
But the leaders in the past have paved the way.
I'm speaking of Harriet Tubman, Malcom X, and MLK.
They've made your life easier than it could EVER be
But yet you still complain about life, and what it should be

No one will ever help you if you don’t stand stout
Always crying, whining and wanting to take hand outs.
Life is about experiences so make it divine
Or you'll find yourself being left behind.
Do things for you and stop blaming the man
Cause when it’s all said and done, they still won't give a damn

UFO the Phoenix · 07-30-2006, 12:32 PM

thats real talk right there

period

(love the name as well)

WELCOME TO THE REALM

CommonCents · 07-30-2006, 01:20 PM

thanks, i appreciate that

Deaf Def · 07-31-2006, 10:22 PM

it was on point and had a view on things that a lot of people have. i didn't really care for the style and it seamed way to simple for me. needed a lot of creativity i think. lacked metaphores and the whole nine yards. i also think you tried to hard to keep the rhyme flowing so it seamed a bit choppy in my eyes. the structure was nice and that's hard to do sometimes. pay more attention to your sylables too main. take care and hope i have helped a bit.
Pz. OnE!

Mind~$oul · 08-04-2006, 03:24 AM

^I agee. I think it could use a little more working on. But I feeling the subject of the poem. I think it people gotta learn that pointing the fingers isn't always going to help. We got to get out and change things on our own and stop waiting on somebody else to do it for us. I think this poem could have been longer though. It's a lot of things dealing with this you could have touched on. I enjoyed the piece, nonetheless. Keep them coming

One luv

Nebulaz · 08-05-2006, 05:14 AM

Everything felt too forced. Every line doesn't have to rhyme. Also, make sure that you develop a structure thatis parallel with other lines. Either every other or every fourth or every line. It felt to broken up and jagged, when it should of been smooth and flowing.

CommonCents · 08-08-2006, 09:05 AM

thanks for the critques. i dont write poetry much so this will help me out in the future

HILARIONSOUL · 08-08-2006, 05:12 PM

This piece was common sense.
It is real and has good points...
Simple is always what we need every once in awhile.
I don’t think our ancestors would have like us to use there
hell as a crutch.... I think our ancestors would have wanted us
to be leaders, teachers, preachers, doctors, carpenters and good mothers and fathers...
Yeah!

07-29-2006, 10:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
CommonCents www.producerzone.com Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 8	Step Up Don't blame the white man for everything you do, Because some of this pain was brought on by you. Yea they brought us here on ships and whipped us And sold us like animals, kicked, and dissed us. But the leaders in the past have paved the way. I'm speaking of Harriet Tubman, Malcom X, and MLK. They've made your life easier than it could EVER be But yet you still complain about life, and what it should be No one will ever help you if you don’t stand stout Always crying, whining and wanting to take hand outs. Life is about experiences so make it divine Or you'll find yourself being left behind. Do things for you and stop blaming the man Cause when it’s all said and done, they still won't give a damn

07-30-2006, 12:32 PM	#2 (permalink)
UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS! Join Date: Aug 1999 Location: Oceanside CA USA Posts: 2,965	thats real talk right there period (love the name as well) WELCOME TO THE REALM __________________ *The Truth isn't out there because its already landed and the Truth is:* JESUS CHRIST Oddie Sloan

08-04-2006, 03:24 AM	#5 (permalink)
Mind~$oul I'm Pretty Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: North Memphis BITCH! Posts: 17,139	^I agee. I think it could use a little more working on. But I feeling the subject of the poem. I think it people gotta learn that pointing the fingers isn't always going to help. We got to get out and change things on our own and stop waiting on somebody else to do it for us. I think this poem could have been longer though. It's a lot of things dealing with this you could have touched on. I enjoyed the piece, nonetheless. Keep them coming One luv __________________ "Everybody wanna be a nicca, but don't nobody wanna be a nicca"-Paul Mooney "I tried to live right, but society aint made for niccas to live right"-Joe Budden

08-05-2006, 05:14 AM	#6 (permalink)
Nebulaz fear God, not man Join Date: Mar 2001 Posts: 935	Everything felt too forced. Every line doesn't have to rhyme. Also, make sure that you develop a structure thatis parallel with other lines. Either every other or every fourth or every line. It felt to broken up and jagged, when it should of been smooth and flowing. __________________ "It is impossible to account for the creation of the universe without the agency of a Supreme Being. It is impossible to govern the universe without the aid of a Supreme Being. It is impossible to reason without arriving at a Supreme Being. Religion is as necessary to reason as reason is to religion. The one cannot exist without the other. A reasoning being would lose reason in attempting to account for the great phenomena of nature, had he not a Supreme Being to refer to; and will has it been said, that if there had been no God, mankind would have been obliged to imagine one." - - George Washington

08-08-2006, 05:12 PM	#8 (permalink)
HILARIONSOUL "one of the roughs," Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Lee Jun Fan Posts: 71	This piece was common sense. It is real and has good points... Simple is always what we need every once in awhile. I don’t think our ancestors would have like us to use there hell as a crutch.... I think our ancestors would have wanted us to be leaders, teachers, preachers, doctors, carpenters and good mothers and fathers... Yeah! __________________ Your words should be like the immediacy of a (((( sound)))) vibrating in its listeners ears. http://www.poetry.com/bash/bash.html v Poetry.com

07-30-2006, 01:20 PM	#3 (permalink)
CommonCents www.producerzone.com Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 8	thanks, i appreciate that

07-31-2006, 10:22 PM	#4 (permalink)
Deaf Def Tha WordSmith Join Date: Apr 2000 Location: Yakima, Washington Posts: 1,225	it was on point and had a view on things that a lot of people have. i didn't really care for the style and it seamed way to simple for me. needed a lot of creativity i think. lacked metaphores and the whole nine yards. i also think you tried to hard to keep the rhyme flowing so it seamed a bit choppy in my eyes. the structure was nice and that's hard to do sometimes. pay more attention to your sylables too main. take care and hope i have helped a bit. Pz. OnE!

08-08-2006, 09:05 AM	#7 (permalink)
CommonCents www.producerzone.com Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 8	thanks for the critques. i dont write poetry much so this will help me out in the future

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