300: Best B-Movie Of 2006? (if not, then Top 49)

i Luv Da Cock · 03-14-2007, 02:43 AM

Review/Rant Inside

[Visually pleasing. Pretentious to the end.

Well first off, whoever said u cant make money off a dead horse....much less a decaying, rotten skull of a horse that was past its prime before it suffered gum and tooth disease due to horrid BC hygenic conditions....is a fucking lying lethargic scumbag.

Over 70 million, YES, over Seventy fucking bones was reached over the opening weekend release as fans flocked arenas across the world to see Frank Miller's latest novel-based Trojan epic (Trojans=Spartans, as I have always believed, and is, therefore, a fact).

Well, where to begin? Before I even entered the theatre, I was already expecting the seats to be completely packed; blustering with the kind of movie goers you would see in such stylized films like Lord Of The Rings and Sin City. Yet, in an extremely rare occasion, I was dead wrong. 1/4th of the room labeled "300" was barely filled. But hey, the less, the more quiet, so no complaints.

As the movie starts, and the final Spiderman 3 trailer got final ad imprints in the audience's mind, the epic music begins.
We are first shown King Unidas's (it's actually Leonidas, but I keep hearing Unidas instead) life as a child. And yes, the background voiced by none other than Boromir (Sean Bean). The swift, straightforward LOTR connection is appalling.

Apparently, Spartan boys were brutally bitch-smacked and shit-kicked by adults, as the child King is trained to become the perfect killing machine. Did I forget to mention that, those babies born with abnormal bumps or showing signs of "weakness" were thrown into over a cliff to die and rot until only their infantile skulls remained? I am totally sure that babies are quick to show vital frailty and lack of strenghth. I mean, they're FUCKING BABIES. What the FUCK are you looking for, Spartans? Fucking Bam Bam? A fucking TODDLER who can swing a baseball bat twice his size, and lift mere things such as VEHICLES? Apparently they ARE. Oh. Guess they showed me.
The next scenes showed how a now-adolescent Unidas beats the living nasal bleeding SHIT out of another boy. Yep, he was forced to murder another kid as a test of his strength. And you thought Je-wish boys had it rough. But to be fair, I personally had my own foreskin removed, but never killed another soul. So it's unfair to say which one I would rather enjoy.

Fast forward into the present, and Unidas is shown with his wife and child. De ja vu, and as an act of fatherly love, Unidas is doing what his own father did to him as a child:
Knocking the shit out of him so that he learns to be a "man".

A Persian messenger comes to Spartan and tries to negotiate with King U (I'll call him from now for short). Did I mention this guy was black? So King U and the black Persian exchange empty words of "wassup wanna surrender? no thnx. But u have to! Uh i said no! Ur wife's a bitch. How dare YOU!"
Apparently every non-American movie with European leads must ALL have English accents. Ugh. I can understand LOTR and Harry Potter with this, but a bunch of Greeks and Persians? Sigh.

And then the Persian guy gets MURKED. rofl. Unidas kicks him into the bottomless pit we have seen in the trailer. Oh My God. Holy SHIT. The first guy to die is a black guy. Never saw that coming.

i Luv Da Cock · 03-14-2007, 02:44 AM

I must note, that at this point, the cinematopgrahy is absolutely shit-bending. We see great slow motion shots of Unidas and his Spartan crew either raising their spears or flexing their BodyFlex abs.
Did I mention King U screams ALOT? Jesus christ, half of his lines involve him bellowing like Maximus from Gladiator. The difference is, Maximus had a convincing actor. King U looked like he was opening his mouth to simply keep us awake, lest the audience fell asleep from his boring mutterings of "Spartan JUSTICE!".

Seriously, watching Unidas is like seeing the bastard child of B-Real and Usama Bin Laden.

+

=

Realizing a Persian-induced war was afoot, King U asks the Jedi Knight Council---I mean, the creepy, druid-like holy men that use the sexiest Spartan women as their personal sex slave/fortune tellers, for permission to fight.
They decline, and King U walks off disgruntled, and the scene ends...but not before leaving the familiar, disturbing taste of a Hentai anime I watched in the 9th grade where a teenage girl's stepfather rapes her brutally over and over again. *shudder* She was just a child...she was just a fucking child...

Anyway, King U returns to his wife (aka Queen). Predictably, the unecessary, gratuitious-but-brief sex scene is played.
Rougly 2 second clips of the Queen getting drilled by King U from various Gonzo positions. Seriously, WHY THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT US TO ENJOY THESE GODAMN MOVIE SEX SCENES? The bitch is ALL they show with her titties out, as if a woman's only purpose is for our pleasure to see her get dick several ways.
What pleasure? How the FUCK do u get off to 2 second clips of positions? Jesus fucking christ......

Despite these many drawbacks, there are some very positive points as well. I won't get into every single detail, lest you choose to watch it and find out yourself.

The first 30 minutes moved too slowly. It felt like watching paint dry. Even if the paint was a beautiful, gorgeous one, it was still watching paint dry. I already mentioned how the cinematography is visually pleasing. And it fails to disappoint. The problem with all these slow motion captures is, there's too many of them. We see nearly every action scene in slow fucking motion.

Alot of the fight scenes are wonderfully graphic, however, and we see a decapitation or two. Or do we? No, we don't. Amidst all the heads rolling off or flying across the sky with blood splurting from their severed necks, we NEVER actually get to SEE the knife or sword slice their heads off, much like the Last Samurai. Kind of stupid that they would leave out such a trivial detail to an already gory flick.

Speaking of gore, yes there's plenty. Bodies piled everywhere, animated blood splurting from sword thrusts and blade slices.

And for some reason, there's freaks. Yea. Freaks. Like the hooded druid guys, there's a giant Elephant Man and Quasimodo's ugly cousin. Actually the supporting cast is quite interesting. The bland King U is too zealous and boring. His wife, on the other hand, teaches women everywhere that, to get what you want, you MUST have sex with the person who can make it happen.
ANd oh my GOD, this is my favorite. The Egyptian God King! Hahha. Picture Dhalsim from Street Fighter 2 with Sagat's height and Darth Vader's voice. Oh my god, the BEST villain I have seen in years. Too bad he doesn't fight, but he is the controller of the massive Persian army.
Too bad he doesn't fight much.

One of the main problems I had with this movie is the horrendous "historical" inaccuracy. They portray all the Asian and Persian armies as nothing but cruel, evildoers who bullied the Spartans into war. It's heavily biased in favor of the Greeks, who appeared like innocent june bugs fighting off a locust army that came to take over their garden of peace and harmony. Yea. And my assmilk takes like morning sunshine.

Well, there you go.

300 was a shitload of fuck in terms of storyline.

But if you want a shitload of eye candy, you'll get that too.

Final Grade: B-

Final Score: 7/10

MISSKEYdaQUEEN · 03-14-2007, 06:01 PM

LOL...great review...I thought it was excellently entertaining myself. Worth the anticipation!

Purple Haze · 03-16-2007, 09:00 PM

Final grade: A.

i Luv Da Cock · 03-17-2007, 06:37 PM

There goes ya reps.

WaxonWaxoff · 03-17-2007, 11:50 PM

The film was visual fangoria anastia lopez which deserved an A. I caught on strong the heather of fresh flesh drenched in ceramic vinyl paint. But oh well, a swingeth here, a swingeth there, will always keep my ass in the chair. For fuck sakes the so-called historical degradation in this fickle may have been very well an instrument to project a piece of shit not worth telling.

Gorilla Nasty · 03-18-2007, 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red-Master

I am totally sure that babies are quick to show vital frailty and lack of strenghth. I mean, they're FUCKING BABIES. What the FUCK are you looking for, Spartans? Fucking Bam Bam? A fucking TODDLER who can swing a baseball bat twice his size, and lift mere things such as VEHICLES? Apparently they ARE.

LMAO, that was funny. Pretty good review too.

Mike420 · 03-18-2007, 12:10 PM

It is what It is!!

i Luv Da Cock · 03-18-2007, 09:09 PM

^someone went crazy with their alias

dukeosu · 03-20-2007, 08:36 PM

i would say best movie i saw in a while, it was sweet

MISSKEYdaQUEEN · 03-21-2007, 08:10 AM

^^agreed. I went to see it twice!

i Luv Da Cock · 03-22-2007, 06:08 AM

really?

only movie i ever saw twice in theatres was lion king

i feel that 300 is one of those flicks u see once for the gimmicks, then be on with your life and never touch it again.

musicisvanity · 05-12-2007, 10:26 PM

went in with low expectations, walked away suprisingly satisfied.

Ignorant · 05-22-2007, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by i Luv Da Cock

i feel that 300 is one of those flicks u see once for the gimmicks, then be on with your life and never touch it again.

Same here.

03-14-2007, 02:43 AM	#1 (permalink)
i Luv Da Cock USER F-RED-NDLY. Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: RedViLLe, USA Posts: 2,513	300: Best B-Movie Of 2006? (if not, then Top 49) Review/Rant Inside [Visually pleasing. Pretentious to the end. Well first off, whoever said u cant make money off a dead horse....much less a decaying, rotten skull of a horse that was past its prime before it suffered gum and tooth disease due to horrid BC hygenic conditions....is a fucking lying lethargic scumbag. Over 70 million, YES, over Seventy fucking bones was reached over the opening weekend release as fans flocked arenas across the world to see Frank Miller's latest novel-based Trojan epic (Trojans=Spartans, as I have always believed, and is, therefore, a fact). Well, where to begin? Before I even entered the theatre, I was already expecting the seats to be completely packed; blustering with the kind of movie goers you would see in such stylized films like Lord Of The Rings and Sin City. Yet, in an extremely rare occasion, I was dead wrong. 1/4th of the room labeled "300" was barely filled. But hey, the less, the more quiet, so no complaints. As the movie starts, and the final Spiderman 3 trailer got final ad imprints in the audience's mind, the epic music begins. We are first shown King Unidas's (it's actually Leonidas, but I keep hearing Unidas instead) life as a child. And yes, the background voiced by none other than Boromir (Sean Bean). The swift, straightforward LOTR connection is appalling. Apparently, Spartan boys were brutally bitch-smacked and shit-kicked by adults, as the child King is trained to become the perfect killing machine. Did I forget to mention that, those babies born with abnormal bumps or showing signs of "weakness" were thrown into over a cliff to die and rot until only their infantile skulls remained? I am totally sure that babies are quick to show vital frailty and lack of strenghth. I mean, they're FUCKING BABIES. What the FUCK are you looking for, Spartans? Fucking Bam Bam? A fucking TODDLER who can swing a baseball bat twice his size, and lift mere things such as VEHICLES? Apparently they ARE. Oh. Guess they showed me. The next scenes showed how a now-adolescent Unidas beats the living nasal bleeding SHIT out of another boy. Yep, he was forced to murder another kid as a test of his strength. And you thought Je-wish boys had it rough. But to be fair, I personally had my own foreskin removed, but never killed another soul. So it's unfair to say which one I would rather enjoy. Fast forward into the present, and Unidas is shown with his wife and child. De ja vu, and as an act of fatherly love, Unidas is doing what his own father did to him as a child: Knocking the shit out of him so that he learns to be a "man". A Persian messenger comes to Spartan and tries to negotiate with King U (I'll call him from now for short). Did I mention this guy was black? So King U and the black Persian exchange empty words of "wassup wanna surrender? no thnx. But u have to! Uh i said no! Ur wife's a bitch. How dare YOU!" Apparently every non-American movie with European leads must ALL have English accents. Ugh. I can understand LOTR and Harry Potter with this, but a bunch of Greeks and Persians? Sigh. And then the Persian guy gets MURKED. rofl. Unidas kicks him into the bottomless pit we have seen in the trailer. Oh My God. Holy SHIT. The first guy to die is a black guy. Never saw that coming. __________________ LOVES BIG COCK.

03-14-2007, 02:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
i Luv Da Cock USER F-RED-NDLY. Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: RedViLLe, USA Posts: 2,513	I must note, that at this point, the cinematopgrahy is absolutely shit-bending. We see great slow motion shots of Unidas and his Spartan crew either raising their spears or flexing their BodyFlex abs. Did I mention King U screams ALOT? Jesus christ, half of his lines involve him bellowing like Maximus from Gladiator. The difference is, Maximus had a convincing actor. King U looked like he was opening his mouth to simply keep us awake, lest the audience fell asleep from his boring mutterings of "Spartan JUSTICE!". Seriously, watching Unidas is like seeing the bastard child of B-Real and Usama Bin Laden. + = Realizing a Persian-induced war was afoot, King U asks the Jedi Knight Council---I mean, the creepy, druid-like holy men that use the sexiest Spartan women as their personal sex slave/fortune tellers, for permission to fight. They decline, and King U walks off disgruntled, and the scene ends...but not before leaving the familiar, disturbing taste of a Hentai anime I watched in the 9th grade where a teenage girl's stepfather rapes her brutally over and over again. shudder She was just a child...she was just a fucking child... Anyway, King U returns to his wife (aka Queen). Predictably, the unecessary, gratuitious-but-brief sex scene is played. Rougly 2 second clips of the Queen getting drilled by King U from various Gonzo positions. Seriously, WHY THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT US TO ENJOY THESE GODAMN MOVIE SEX SCENES? The bitch is ALL they show with her titties out, as if a woman's only purpose is for our pleasure to see her get dick several ways. What pleasure? How the FUCK do u get off to 2 second clips of positions? Jesus fucking christ...... Despite these many drawbacks, there are some very positive points as well. I won't get into every single detail, lest you choose to watch it and find out yourself. The first 30 minutes moved too slowly. It felt like watching paint dry. Even if the paint was a beautiful, gorgeous one, it was still watching paint dry. I already mentioned how the cinematography is visually pleasing. And it fails to disappoint. The problem with all these slow motion captures is, there's too many of them. We see nearly every action scene in slow fucking motion. Alot of the fight scenes are wonderfully graphic, however, and we see a decapitation or two. Or do we? No, we don't. Amidst all the heads rolling off or flying across the sky with blood splurting from their severed necks, we NEVER actually get to SEE the knife or sword slice their heads off, much like the Last Samurai. Kind of stupid that they would leave out such a trivial detail to an already gory flick. Speaking of gore, yes there's plenty. Bodies piled everywhere, animated blood splurting from sword thrusts and blade slices. And for some reason, there's freaks. Yea. Freaks. Like the hooded druid guys, there's a giant Elephant Man and Quasimodo's ugly cousin. Actually the supporting cast is quite interesting. The bland King U is too zealous and boring. His wife, on the other hand, teaches women everywhere that, to get what you want, you MUST have sex with the person who can make it happen. ANd oh my GOD, this is my favorite. The Egyptian God King! Hahha. Picture Dhalsim from Street Fighter 2 with Sagat's height and Darth Vader's voice. Oh my god, the BEST villain I have seen in years. Too bad he doesn't fight, but he is the controller of the massive Persian army. Too bad he doesn't fight much. One of the main problems I had with this movie is the horrendous "historical" inaccuracy. They portray all the Asian and Persian armies as nothing but cruel, evildoers who bullied the Spartans into war. It's heavily biased in favor of the Greeks, who appeared like innocent june bugs fighting off a locust army that came to take over their garden of peace and harmony. Yea. And my assmilk takes like morning sunshine. Well, there you go. 300 was a shitload of fuck in terms of storyline. But if you want a shitload of eye candy, you'll get that too. Final Grade: B- Final Score: 7/10 __________________ LOVES BIG COCK.

03-14-2007, 06:01 PM	#3 (permalink)
MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther.. Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Glenville REPPIN BIYAAAATCHES!! Posts: 17,647	LOL...great review...I thought it was excellently entertaining myself. Worth the anticipation! __________________ Queen's MySpace Page Queen's Other Myspace Page biaaatches *********************** The battles that count aren't the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself—the invisible, inevitable battles inside all of us—that's where it's at.~Jesse Owens (1913-1980)

03-16-2007, 09:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
Purple Haze Thelonious Monk, son Join Date: Jun 2000 Posts: 9,995	Final grade: A. __________________ 18-1* best served chilled.

03-17-2007, 06:37 PM	#5 (permalink)
i Luv Da Cock USER F-RED-NDLY. Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: RedViLLe, USA Posts: 2,513	There goes ya reps. __________________ LOVES BIG COCK.

03-17-2007, 11:50 PM	#6 (permalink)
WaxonWaxoff Registered User Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 1,640	The film was visual fangoria anastia lopez which deserved an A. I caught on strong the heather of fresh flesh drenched in ceramic vinyl paint. But oh well, a swingeth here, a swingeth there, will always keep my ass in the chair. For fuck sakes the so-called historical degradation in this fickle may have been very well an instrument to project a piece of shit not worth telling.

03-18-2007, 12:10 PM	#8 (permalink)
Mike420 Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 111	It is what It is!!

03-18-2007, 09:09 PM	#9 (permalink)
i Luv Da Cock USER F-RED-NDLY. Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: RedViLLe, USA Posts: 2,513	^someone went crazy with their alias __________________ LOVES BIG COCK.

03-20-2007, 08:36 PM	#10 (permalink)
dukeosu Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 236	i would say best movie i saw in a while, it was sweet

03-21-2007, 08:10 AM	#11 (permalink)
MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther.. Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Glenville REPPIN BIYAAAATCHES!! Posts: 17,647	^^agreed. I went to see it twice! __________________ Queen's MySpace Page Queen's Other Myspace Page biaaatches *********************** The battles that count aren't the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself—the invisible, inevitable battles inside all of us—that's where it's at.~Jesse Owens (1913-1980)

03-22-2007, 06:08 AM	#12 (permalink)
i Luv Da Cock USER F-RED-NDLY. Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: RedViLLe, USA Posts: 2,513	really? only movie i ever saw twice in theatres was lion king i feel that 300 is one of those flicks u see once for the gimmicks, then be on with your life and never touch it again. __________________ LOVES BIG COCK.

05-12-2007, 10:26 PM	#13 (permalink)
musicisvanity Registered User Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: bmoreoriginal Posts: 275	went in with low expectations, walked away suprisingly satisfied.

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