Sudden Divorce Syndrome...

tight-eyes · 12-21-2007, 02:05 PM

interesting article. share your thoughts after you read...

http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp...3934&GT1=10715

"...In a 2004 poll by the AARP, one in four men who were divorces in the previous year said they "never saw it coming." (Only 14 percent of divorced women said they experienced the same unexpected broadside.) And few events in a man's life can be as devastating to his physical, mental, and financial health..."

"...The warning signs are usually there, claims Buckley, but the male mind is simply not very adept at recognizing them. "When women make up their mind that the relationship is over, they stop talking about the relationship," she says. "Men interpret a woman"s lack of complaining as satisfaction. But more often, it's because she's simply given up..."

"...wives are the ones to file for divorce 66 percent of the time, and, in some years, that figure has soared to nearly 75 percent..."

"...Oftentimes, men have a divorce sprung on them in midlife, when their kids are more self-sufficient and they've finally started to think they were over the hump. Like Martin Paul, they could start to relax. But that's exactly the time of life when the instance of divorce begins to swell (another occurs shortly after marriage). Joe Cordell, of the law firm Cordell and Cordell, which specializes in representing men in domestic cases, attributes this to wives deciding as they approach age 40 that it's now or never for getting back into the marriage market. It's the same phenomenon as rich guys trading in their long-time partners for trophy wives. Only it's the women who are shedding men..."

"...The rising financial independence of women began to free them from a need to stay in a stultifying or abusive marriage. As a result, divorce soared, doubling by most measures. But the stereotypical divorce story — man marries, starts a family, meets a younger woman, and leaves his wife — just isn't as common as we are led to believe..."

""..."Marriage changes men more pervasively and more profoundly than it changes women," explains sociologist Steven Nock, author of Marriage in Men's Lives. "The best way to put it is, marriage is for men what motherhood is for women." Marriage makes men grow up. Nock observes that many men before marriage are indifferent workers, and, after hours, are likely to be found in bars or zoned out in front of a TV. After marriage, they are solid wage earners, frequent churchgoers, maybe members of a neighborhood protection association. But divorce takes that underpinning away, leaving men strangely infantilized and unsure of their place in the world. They feel like interlopers in the stands at their children's soccer games or in the auditorium for their school plays.
..."

tight-eyes · 12-21-2007, 02:13 PM

"So, how to avoid Sudden Divorce Syndrome? One way, of course, is to avoid marriage. Another way is by working on your marriage when it can still be salvaged. Statistically, end-stage marriage counseling is rarely effective, despite what the counselors might say. Instead, husbands might be wise to pay attention to the essential ratio that — according to John Gottman, PhD, a world-renowned researcher of marriage stability — governs marital success or failure: five to one. That means husbands (and wives) should direct at least five positive remarks or actions to their spouses for every negative one. Any less and the marriage is in trouble. Or, following the much-admired work of Howard Markman, PhD, who holds couples workshops (loveyourrelationship.com), husbands should attune themselves to their wives' "bids" — for attention, for affection, for all the things that sustain a relationship — and do their best to provide for them. In truth, husbands are not built for the demands that wives often place on them; they are less inclined to talk things out or to display emotion. But then, marriage isn't easy for either party. When a wife wants out, it is usually not out of selfishness or senseless cruelty. Sometimes the love simply runs out. Husbands should do what they can to keep that love alive. That way, they might hang on to the many delights that marriage affords and spare themselves the countless horrors that divorce can bring.

But such advice comes too late for the many men like Martin Paul and Jordan Appel, who have already fallen victim to the syndrome. For them, the best, and perhaps only, cure will be time — time to forge a new relationship that can undo the ravages of the previous one. After all, most divorced men, like most divorced women, do remarry. A second marriage is a triumph of hope over experience, yes, but it's the best chance to restore the health and security that so cruelly has been taken away. Even without remarriage, the overwhelming sense of upheaval will gradually fade if the men can only persevere. And, in time, the experience will evolve into a memory that, however bitter, yields a gift of wisdom.

Me$$y One · 01-04-2008, 11:37 PM

do women really dream of their wedding day when they're in elementary school? that has to be part of the problem if it's true. it's like a fairy tale for a lot of women and when it's not that dream come true, bad things happen. people under 30 shouldn't get married. that's when men and women are on the same level of thinking about a real marriage i think.

tight-eyes · 01-07-2008, 04:48 AM

^ Yes, they most certainly do. You ever seen all the princess/fairty tale movies they show little girls (Disney? Barbie Dolls?, etc). They shovet hat cra down our throats from the time we're very young. Many women dream of a fairytale life, with Prince Charming coming to save them and living happily ever after. Hell... even modern day romantic comedy films. I think those both contribute grossly to womens' unrealistic expectations of men and relationships.

KriminaL · 01-08-2008, 06:46 PM

Quote:

"Men interpret a woman"s lack of complaining as satisfaction"

Lol!

.. eh ; this is no surprise though

12-21-2007, 02:05 PM	#1 (permalink)
tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady! Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: the burbs Posts: 20,385	Sudden Divorce Syndrome... interesting article. share your thoughts after you read... http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp...3934&GT1=10715 "...In a 2004 poll by the AARP, one in four men who were divorces in the previous year said they "never saw it coming." (Only 14 percent of divorced women said they experienced the same unexpected broadside.) And few events in a man's life can be as devastating to his physical, mental, and financial health..." "...The warning signs are usually there, claims Buckley, but the male mind is simply not very adept at recognizing them. "When women make up their mind that the relationship is over, they stop talking about the relationship," she says. "Men interpret a woman"s lack of complaining as satisfaction. But more often, it's because she's simply given up..." "...wives are the ones to file for divorce 66 percent of the time, and, in some years, that figure has soared to nearly 75 percent..." "...Oftentimes, men have a divorce sprung on them in midlife, when their kids are more self-sufficient and they've finally started to think they were over the hump. Like Martin Paul, they could start to relax. But that's exactly the time of life when the instance of divorce begins to swell (another occurs shortly after marriage). Joe Cordell, of the law firm Cordell and Cordell, which specializes in representing men in domestic cases, attributes this to wives deciding as they approach age 40 that it's now or never for getting back into the marriage market. It's the same phenomenon as rich guys trading in their long-time partners for trophy wives. Only it's the women who are shedding men..." "...The rising financial independence of women began to free them from a need to stay in a stultifying or abusive marriage. As a result, divorce soared, doubling by most measures. But the stereotypical divorce story — man marries, starts a family, meets a younger woman, and leaves his wife — just isn't as common as we are led to believe..." ""..."Marriage changes men more pervasively and more profoundly than it changes women," explains sociologist Steven Nock, author of Marriage in Men's Lives. "The best way to put it is, marriage is for men what motherhood is for women." Marriage makes men grow up. Nock observes that many men before marriage are indifferent workers, and, after hours, are likely to be found in bars or zoned out in front of a TV. After marriage, they are solid wage earners, frequent churchgoers, maybe members of a neighborhood protection association. But divorce takes that underpinning away, leaving men strangely infantilized and unsure of their place in the world. They feel like interlopers in the stands at their children's soccer games or in the auditorium for their school plays. ..." Last edited by tight-eyes; 12-21-2007 at 02:19 PM.

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12-21-2007, 02:13 PM	#2 (permalink)
tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady! Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: the burbs Posts: 20,385	"*So, how to avoid Sudden Divorce Syndrome?* One way, of course, is to avoid marriage. Another way is by working on your marriage when it can still be salvaged. Statistically, end-stage marriage counseling is rarely effective, despite what the counselors might say. Instead, husbands might be wise to pay attention to the essential ratio that — according to John Gottman, PhD, a world-renowned researcher of marriage stability — governs marital success or failure: five to one. That means husbands (and wives) should direct at least five positive remarks or actions to their spouses for every negative one. Any less and the marriage is in trouble. Or, following the much-admired work of Howard Markman, PhD, who holds couples workshops (loveyourrelationship.com), husbands should attune themselves to their wives' "bids" — for attention, for affection, for all the things that sustain a relationship — and do their best to provide for them. In truth, husbands are not built for the demands that wives often place on them; they are less inclined to talk things out or to display emotion. But then, marriage isn't easy for either party. When a wife wants out, it is usually not out of selfishness or senseless cruelty. Sometimes the love simply runs out. Husbands should do what they can to keep that love alive. That way, they might hang on to the many delights that marriage affords and spare themselves the countless horrors that divorce can bring. But such advice comes too late for the many men like Martin Paul and Jordan Appel, who have already fallen victim to the syndrome. For them, the best, and perhaps only, cure will be time — time to forge a new relationship that can undo the ravages of the previous one. After all, most divorced men, like most divorced women, do remarry. A second marriage is a triumph of hope over experience, yes, but it's the best chance to restore the health and security that so cruelly has been taken away. Even without remarriage, the overwhelming sense of upheaval will gradually fade if the men can only persevere. And, in time, the experience will evolve into a memory that, however bitter, yields a gift of wisdom.

01-04-2008, 11:37 PM	#3 (permalink)
Me$$y One Cleanin Up Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 81	do women really dream of their wedding day when they're in elementary school? that has to be part of the problem if it's true. it's like a fairy tale for a lot of women and when it's not that dream come true, bad things happen. people under 30 shouldn't get married. that's when men and women are on the same level of thinking about a real marriage i think.

01-07-2008, 04:48 AM	#4 (permalink)
tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady! Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: the burbs Posts: 20,385	^ Yes, they most certainly do. You ever seen all the princess/fairty tale movies they show little girls (Disney? Barbie Dolls?, etc). They shovet hat cra down our throats from the time we're very young. Many women dream of a fairytale life, with Prince Charming coming to save them and living happily ever after. Hell... even modern day romantic comedy films. I think those both contribute grossly to womens' unrealistic expectations of men and relationships.

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