need mentor, tell me whats wrong with this verse

ashscrilla · 05-10-2005, 05:45 AM

Standin at tha gates of heaven//
wonderin if this is where im headin//
the deadly sins, dang i think i committed all seven//
count a few twice, i may have done eleven//
heaven is where i want to spend my eternity//
i can't help it, im a product of social modernity//
i want so bad to be in heaven and join this fraternity//
a life time of decisions and regrets will haunt me for infinity//
i wonder if that one time if i shouldn't have pulled my knife//
if it all would have been different with a wife//
if i would have gone through my life with out strife//
with changes, i could've had a certain afterlife//
my name is Young Heaven, named after this paradise//
Heaven is perfect, nothing is even close to this nice//
if i wouldn't have rolled the dice, and just did a lil compromise//
should've lived my life right and been baptised//

Lyrical.45 · 05-15-2005, 12:59 AM

Well, first off, you aren't using any multi's.

You'd better start rhyming more than one word per line.

You: if i wouldn't have rolled the dice, and just did a lil compromise//
should've lived my life right and been baptised//

In that bar only compromise and baptized rhymed. Try hooking other words together.

ashscrilla · 05-15-2005, 06:54 AM

OK, what else would you suggest? I understand what your sayin on that

05-10-2005, 05:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
ashscrilla Registered User Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 15	need mentor, tell me whats wrong with this verse Standin at tha gates of heaven// wonderin if this is where im headin// the deadly sins, dang i think i committed all seven// count a few twice, i may have done eleven// heaven is where i want to spend my eternity// i can't help it, im a product of social modernity// i want so bad to be in heaven and join this fraternity// a life time of decisions and regrets will haunt me for infinity// i wonder if that one time if i shouldn't have pulled my knife// if it all would have been different with a wife// if i would have gone through my life with out strife// with changes, i could've had a certain afterlife// my name is Young Heaven, named after this paradise// Heaven is perfect, nothing is even close to this nice// if i wouldn't have rolled the dice, and just did a lil compromise// should've lived my life right and been baptised//

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05-15-2005, 12:59 AM	#2 (permalink)
Lyrical.45 Good News Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 44	Well, first off, you aren't using any multi's. You'd better start rhyming more than one word per line. You: if i wouldn't have rolled the dice, and just did a lil compromise// should've lived my life right and been baptised// In that bar only compromise and baptized rhymed. Try hooking other words together.

05-15-2005, 06:54 AM	#3 (permalink)
ashscrilla Registered User Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 15	OK, what else would you suggest? I understand what your sayin on that

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