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Still Thuggish Ruggish
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 2,150
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MORE Jokes! & Vote for a joke forum......
Under the influence
There's a local bar where the patrons are known to be really drunk and rowdy. Outside of the bar, at the corner, there's a dickhead cop in his patrol car waiting for customers to come out intoxicated so that he can catch them in the act of driving under the influence. So around closing time, this one dude comes staggering out of the bar and heads for his car. He can barely walk straight and fumbles around trying to get his key to unlock the car door. Of course the policeman is watching this and knows that he's gonna bust this guy tonight. The drunk gets in his car and pulls off. The cop stops him about 2 blocks down and demands a breathalizer test. The man kindly cooperates with him.
After taking the test, the cop says," You're not drunk at all."
The man replies,"I know, I'm the decoy!"
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$500
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, “I must have you right now! I’ll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!”
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man’s proposition.
Her girlfriend said “When he drops the $500 on the ground I’m sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened.”
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
“What happened?” the girlfriend asked.
The lady said ” That smartass had $500 in quarters!”
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The Bridge
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime
I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify
me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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The Ad
lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel
chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door
bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...
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Kinda old but fuck it
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit •••••ed.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
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