RED FLAG!!!...if she use to be in an ABUSIVE relationship, I know her!

[Fa$oLa]

Classic Symptons:

1. Bossy/Controlling
2. Cautious
3. Mean
4. Bitchy (sometimes)
5. has 21 Questions when you first start talking
6. talking to more than one dude, playing the good girl role
7. will mention her past relationship and treat you as if you could be like him

Am I close?

I've known a few and it never ends up good. I use to try and understand them until I realized they all start tripping. A couple, I tried to be nice too, but they start tripping and I don't have time to work through those protective layers. Now I see why its a RED FLAG when a women tells you she's been in an abusive relationship.

I wonder why women let men get to them with that verbal abuse. Or why they stay with a man that's knocking them upside the head.

ANY THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT, LADIES?

[Fa$oLa]

hmmmm...no takers?

[Vulgar]

it's a self esteem thing. no strong woman who's secure in who she is. is gonna stand by while a dude beats her ass. those kinda men prey on weak females with no self esteem and make them feel like they NEED him. so she takes his abuse and shes so weak that she actually starts believin' she deserves it. that's some sad shit but i dont think i could deal with a broad like that. i dont wanna spend all my time convincin her that she's a good person etc.

but yeah those could be some signs that babygirl has been in abusive situation before. except for #6 girls do that all the time.

[Nicki]

Hmm ^^ i dont agree at all, all kinds of women and men have been in abusive relationships and not just phisicall abuse.. my ex wasnt phiscally abusive but he was mentally and when it starts out its lill things that became bigger and more regular and gradully drains ure self esteme i dont think anyone sets out to be the abuser just as noone sets out to be abused and i dont think its not possible to move on? i mean when uve been cheated on ... same deal kinda when its over its hard to trust another person .. but 9 times outta 10 we do so i dunno i just think anything can be overcome.. And also its pretty hard to leave a guy when he threatens to kill you, ure familey... ure child????

[In-Awe.]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ AMEN!!!...Wow..

Gone

[Fa$oLa]

^^^

What you Amening for lol?

Nicki,

I was talking about mental abuse and I hear you. I understand the guards you all have to put up when you're talking to another man, but it really makes being or sometimes just talking to a previously abused woman a test of patience and character. Especially, when those defensive mechanisms (listed above) kick in.

What I don't understand is how women tend to let some man's negative "opinions" of her have some much control of her emotions and image of self to the point where it's affecting new relationships with different men years later. With that said, to a certain degree, I'd have to agree with the general idea or point Vulgar made in his response. He touched on some real issues of post abusive relationships

How long ago was this abusive relationship of yours and how long did it take for you to get over it, if at all?

Originally Posted by Vulgar

but yeah those could be some signs that babygirl has been in abusive situation before. except for #6 girls do that all the time.

^^^hahah, true! But the few that I got to know was

[Nicki]

Ok well it all come's down to everyone being different.. obviously some people are stonger mentally than other, i dont think i am very mentally strong i take alot to heart but i cant change that my relationship was 8 years deep and we have a 7 year old son so basically ill never be shot of him and i guess to a certain extent i still feel like im living in his shadow but seriously when i met the guy im seeing now ide say for about a day i maybe had that wall up still but i couldnt ask for a nicer guy even thou i said ide never get with anyone again as serious as i did b4 all that went out the window and hes the oposite of my ex so anyways ive ranted but u have good points but i still dont agree that a "strong" women wouldnt get in this sitution shit happens to te best of us.. its the way u come outta it that counts i guess.

[samii so sexii]

there is a complex that women in abusive relationships deal with...Battered Woman Sydrome (or something similar to that)....it never starts out abusive...only after you fall in love do things change. Every woman at one point has been with a man, and he's done something wrong, but she stays with him because she wants to forgive, and she thinks he wont do it again. It's the same thing in an abusive relationship. Then, the woman starts to feel a dependency on that man...like she can't leave him.

but every person has traits like that...for example...when a normal person sees a dog that's baring its teeth, and growling, what do we say?

"nice doggie....good doggie"

and that's what the women do. They try to please the man so he won't hit her again. If he hits her because she didn't have dinner ready when he got home, the next night she's most likely gonna have dinner ready to please him.

[Vulgar]

Originally Posted by Nicki

Hmm ^^ i dont agree at all, all kinds of women and men have been in abusive relationships and not just phisicall abuse.. my ex wasnt phiscally abusive but he was mentally and when it starts out its lill things that became bigger and more regular and gradully drains ure self esteme i dont think anyone sets out to be the abuser just as noone sets out to be abused and i dont think its not possible to move on? i mean when uve been cheated on ... same deal kinda when its over its hard to trust another person .. but 9 times outta 10 we do so i dunno i just think anything can be overcome.. And also its pretty hard to leave a guy when he threatens to kill you, ure familey... ure child????

i know what you mean. but i ment if a women with good self esteem is datin a man. that oneday out of no where in an arguement slaps the shit outta her. shes not tryina hear the baby im sorrys feel me? she's most likely gonna step. now it is tru that strong people get broken down lil by lil over time. i just ment somebody whos secure with themselves wont stand for flat out physical/mental abuse

[Fa$oLa]

Originally Posted by Nicki

i dont think i am very mentally strong i take alot to heart

why do so many women say/tell themselves that?

That's low self esteem, I don't mean any disrespect by saying women should really stop screaming "i'm not a strong person and my feeling are very easily hurt" and using it as a crutch.

I've never liked this whole, "That hurt my feelings" thing women do. Mental abuse wouldn't be such a huge problem with women if that wasn't the case.

I do appreciate your comments Nicki I really put this up here to get feedback from a women that have been mentally abused to help me understand it better.

[In-Awe.]

I was recently in an abusive relationship.. BEFORE the relationship i was the strongest woman i knew... never would I let a man step to me and not take action.. This specific dude, had some kind of power over me after a period of time.. he manipulated the shit out of me, not to say that i didnt let him.. because i look back NOW and think of what i could have done differently knowing i made some mistakes along the way.. the FIRST time he hit me, i just cried.. then he cried with me.. and because i loved him.. i listened to his apologies an all the other bullshit that came out of his mouth.. Told him, if it happened again I was gone.. cuz i was a strong woman right.. Psh.. It happened again, i went to get my suitcase to pack my shit.. without even speaking.. and he ran over to me and locked me in the closet.. AFTER that.. he didnt let me out of his sight.. AT ALL.. Shit was sickening.. So we got to being on 'good terms' again or whatever you want to call it.. But I knew.. had i been left alone for even a minute, i'd bounce.. He got a call, went into the bedroom and shut the door.. I skated.. With nothing.. no belongings.. in my pajamas.. And just ran.. as fast and as far as i could go...

Point is, I can see where some dudes are so controlling in an abusive relationship to the point where SOMETIMES the woman can do nothing.. and are helpless.. i've been there.. Yall can say what you please..

And..

That only made me that much stronger in every kind of state you can think of.. emotional, mental, physical, spiritual....

I dont even know what im typing anymore.. My fault :(

Gone

[skandelous_lala]

Ehhh maybe some of those traits. I definitely see things in chicks I have known who have been in abusive relationships that aren't in people who haven't experienced them.

Mostly I have noticed that some of them got so used to it that whenever them and their SO bicker it is bound to turn into an all out war b/c that is always what they have been used to from being in the abusive relationship.

Just escalating it... they were conditioned to think they deserved to be treated that way.

Then you have the opposite end of the spectrum... the ones who will shut down and become deathly afraid if a man even raises his voice out of normal anger and not with any intention to cause harm.

There is not one stereotype or whatever that fits a woman that has been thru hell in back in the form of abuse but there are usually signs that are common in most of them.

I guess I am a bit bothered by the fact that you say it's a red flag..as if you should take off running.

A woman who has been through that sort of trauma still wants love in her life..but sometimes she doesn't understand that she can have the stuff she only dreamed about. It just takes a lot of work. From both sides...and more often the man that is trying to convince her that he won't do her wrong.

I guess I understand... most men aren't up for that. But it's much easier to undo years of a man treating you good than it is to undo just a few months of a man treating you like shit.

In Awe...I'm glad you shared your story. Don't ever feel ashamed for sharing your story. you never know... it could save a life someday. It doesn't matter about what he did and how much you put up with..the point is is that you got out of the situation. *hugs*

[cj mandarin]

Originally Posted by skandelous_lala

Ehhh maybe some of those traits. I definitely see things in chicks I have known who have been in abusive relationships that aren't in people who haven't experienced them.

Mostly I have noticed that some of them got so used to it that whenever them and their SO bicker it is bound to turn into an all out war b/c that is always what they have been used to from being in the abusive relationship.

Just escalating it... they were conditioned to think they deserved to be treated that way.

Then you have the opposite end of the spectrum... the ones who will shut down and become deathly afraid if a man even raises his voice out of normal anger and not with any intention to cause harm.

There is not one stereotype or whatever that fits a woman that has been thru hell in back in the form of abuse but there are usually signs that are common in most of them.

I guess I am a bit bothered by the fact that you say it's a red flag..as if you should take off running.

A woman who has been through that sort of trauma still wants love in her life..but sometimes she doesn't understand that she can have the stuff she only dreamed about. It just takes a lot of work. From both sides...and more often the man that is trying to convince her that he won't do her wrong.

I guess I understand... most men aren't up for that. But it's much easier to undo years of a man treating you good than it is to undo just a few months of a man treating you like shit.

In Awe...I'm glad you shared your story. Don't ever feel ashamed for sharing your story. you never know... it could save a life someday. It doesn't matter about what he did and how much you put up with..the point is is that you got out of the situation. *hugs*

not to down you women who have been through abusive relationships but...

i have a strange knack for attracting girls like that and i used to always try to play the role of the rescuer but girls who were in or had been in abusive relationships, they would always try to sabotage whatever we had. bottom line, they just arent worth the time of day

[Fa$oLa]

Originally Posted by cj mandarin

not to down you women who have been through abusive relationships but...

i have a strange knack for attracting girls like that and i used to always try to play the role of the rescuer but girls who were in or had been in abusive relationships, they would always try to sabotage whatever we had. bottom line, they just arent worth the time of day

I definitely feel where he's coming from^^^

I wouldn't say "they just aren't worth the time of day" but I feel the man and can definitely see (through experience) why he feels that way. Now I know better than to put up with the attitude, skepticism, control issues, the bitchiness, etc.. If I don't believe "they" are worth it, I'm not sticking around to find out, I just move on now.

I don't need the drama!

[Fa$oLa]

Originally Posted by In-Awe.

I was recently in an abusive relationship.. BEFORE the relationship i was the strongest woman i knew... never would I let a man step to me and not take action.. This specific dude, had some kind of power over me after a period of time.. he manipulated the shit out of me, not to say that i didnt let him.. because i look back NOW and think of what i could have done differently knowing i made some mistakes along the way.. the FIRST time he hit me, i just cried.. then he cried with me.. and because i loved him.. i listened to his apologies an all the other bullshit that came out of his mouth.. Told him, if it happened again I was gone.. cuz i was a strong woman right.. Psh.. It happened again, i went to get my suitcase to pack my shit.. without even speaking.. and he ran over to me and locked me in the closet.. AFTER that.. he didnt let me out of his sight.. AT ALL.. Shit was sickening.. So we got to being on 'good terms' again or whatever you want to call it.. But I knew.. had i been left alone for even a minute, i'd bounce.. He got a call, went into the bedroom and shut the door.. I skated.. With nothing.. no belongings.. in my pajamas.. And just ran.. as fast and as far as i could go...

Point is, I can see where some dudes are so controlling in an abusive relationship to the point where SOMETIMES the woman can do nothing.. and are helpless.. i've been there.. Yall can say what you please..

And..

That only made me that much stronger in every kind of state you can think of.. emotional, mental, physical, spiritual....

I dont even know what im typing anymore.. My fault :(

Gone

*GIVES YOU A BIG HUG*

Damn! I'm sorry that you had to go through that. He's a bitch anyway for putting his hands on a woman. He might be male, but he's not a man, a real man anyway.

What about your dad, brother, uncle, etc. I know they handled his ass? You could of filed charges: false imprisonment, domestic abuse, something!

If you was a strong person when you met him what do you think changed or what was you lacking (e.g. courage, smarts, etc.) to get out of that bad situation sooner, like after the first time he laid hands on you? Do you think you may of gave or allowed him to have that "power" over you?

[In-Awe.]

My dad passed away 2 years ago, but if he was alive.. dude would be six feet under..
I didnt tell my brothers when it happened for the simple fact that i didnt want them to get in trouble for a piece of shit such as him.. they would've killed him.. they're just a little Lol overprotective..
I had no one handle his ass because, karmas a bitch.. and its a round world.. he'll get his worse then i can give it to him... so im satisfied in knowing and believing that..

I was lacking smarts, being that i had never been in a situation like that before, i believed him when he told me it'd never happen again.. stupid me Lol.. but i stayed telling myself, he loves me.. its out of love.. blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... fuck that.. Like i said, he manipulated the shit out of me, and because i loved him.. i let him... but you live and learn.. and like skand. said.. it bothered me when someone said RED FLAG.. because the fact of the matter is.. when your in a relationship like that... it can make or break you.. you can either run away and become stronger then you were before you LET HIM do what he did.. or you can sit there with that self pity and become weaker and weaker..

That shit fucked me up for.. a couple months but.. that was it.. only a couple months.. i refused to let some little boy, break me....



Gone

[sagacious infant]

Originally Posted by Fa$oLa

I wonder why women let men get to them with that verbal abuse. Or why they stay with a man that's knocking them upside the head.

ANY THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT, LADIES?

First, I don't appreciate the insensitivity you came into this topic with, but that's because you don't understand. So it's whatever.

Things like abusive relationships don't happen overnight. The man is almost always prince charming in the beginning. He will set himself up to appear to be the woman's savior and gain her trust and love. Once he has that, he will play on her loyalty. It happens so gradually that you can't notice it right away sometimes. The guy will make sure the woman is dependent upon him for something major. He has to have some stake in the woman's life...he'll suggest she quit whatever it is she's doing because he can take care of her. He'll suggest they move into his apartment. He'll suggest they do more together and spend more time as a couple all the while homegirl doesn't notice that she's seeing her friends less and less and this man is becoming her life.

It's not always a sudden thing.

peasche to In-Awe for sharing her story. I'm happy for you getting away from that when you did.

I was in a relationship where dude would abuse me mentally and emotionally and I was in it for so long because I thought I was a strong chick and that I'd recognize abuse and just be out if it happened to me...but I didn't recognize it. I didn't recognize it until I sat back and looked at my own behavior. I was doing shit I never saw myself doing...and it was over him...

There were signs in the beginning, but since I was trying to be fair and not label this guy because of little things he would say or do - I ended up in four months of abuse and even more months of making sure I didn't go back to him.

Fa$oLa...if you see those signs in a woman and you know that's not the woman you want - then leave her alone. It's as simple as that...right?

[Fa$oLa]

Originally Posted by sagacious infant

First, I don't appreciate the insensitivity you came into this topic with, but that's because you don't understand. So it's whatever.

...

I was in a relationship where dude would abuse me mentally and emotionally

...

There were signs in the beginning, but since I was trying to be fair and not label this guy because of little things he would say or do - I ended up in four months of abuse

...

Fa$oLa...if you see those signs in a woman and you know that's not the woman you want - then leave her alone. It's as simple as that...right?

Hmmmm...I'm going to leave that first comment alone, because I know I've been very respectful and I really can't control what someone takes to heart, feel or their opinions. But I will answer your question like this:

Reading what you yourself said [see quote]

You said there were signs in the beginning, but you was trying to be fair and not lable him. I don't know if you read all that I've wrote in this thread, but I started out by naming classic symptons, sign, traits whatever you want to call them. These are signs I've noticed myself in the women I have delt with who have been in abusive relationships. This is common stuff I'm talking about. I didn't invent it. It's just that now I know for myself that in future relationships when I see these signs again, that's a RED FLAG. Like you did, I'll continue to try and be "fair" and not "lable" her. But if she's not worth it, then I'll "...leave her alone. It's as simple as THAT!..."


I'm sorry you went through an abusive relationship as well. If my thread hit a little too close to home and upset you, please know that I was just keeping it real, no disrespect intended at all.