he's gone now ---bird

birdawg · 06-25-2003, 12:55 PM

okay I posted this in open mic but I didn't get any feedback, just rates n' shit...how am I supposed to elivate if I don't know my mistakes????

--peace

Imagine being alone cold having no one to fall back on no one to care you were even alive

Yo, Can you imagine the sheer pain//
of nothing ta blanket you but the rain//
it's an insane range from shame ta rage//
he's the legal age ta carry a 12 gauge//
unleashed like rabid pits from a cage//
he comes he goes he some times stays//
in his emotional maze for days n' days//
he just prays n' prays ta god he'll die//
a quick n' painless death crystal meth//
addictions caused friction until conviction//
drug addiction caused eviction what a position//
should a saw a physician or got some help// (to late)
unlocked, cocked he blew back is scalp//

Kareem · 06-25-2003, 02:11 PM

^whack

birdawg · 06-26-2003, 12:43 PM

whats wrong wit it fucker...?,,,I'm starting ta give up on this place.....

birdawg · 06-26-2003, 12:48 PM

look I saw people posting about how they never got help but I usually always get constructive crit. Now people come in all the posts acting so fucking stupid "it's wack"...no shit sherlock, why the fuck you think I'm in the dojo, now I spend time doing what I like and thats writing and spitting and trying to improve....why the fuck can't people do there part in the dojo for shit sakes!?!?!?

constructive criticism people!

^^uppin^^.....for the most part I kept it real with this site and showed love to it..........makes me sick

4gotten · 06-26-2003, 07:10 PM

horrible

birdawg · 06-26-2003, 08:31 PM

people in open mic give better responses, this suck....I lost a lot of respect for this site now......

TonyRome313 · 06-27-2003, 12:57 AM

Ignore them. It was at least 1o times better than ANYTHING either of them ever posted.
Infact, if you'd recognize how to write that verse you'd most likely get props from alotta peeps on here.
It justs needs to be rewritten to a rhythm.

Just use this (if you catch the flow) and work from their to get your verses to hit that rhythm.

[Your re-edit for you to use and see why I formatted it the way I did. I only had to change a couple small things in wording so don't consider it a ghost write at all]:
Yo- Can you imagine the sheer pain, of nothing ta blanket you but the rain?//
It's an insane range from shame ta rage, he's the legal age ta carry a gauge//
Unleashed like rabid pits uncaged, he comes he goes- so rarely he stays//
In his emotional maze... - for days n' days, he just prays n' prays//
Ta god he'll die... a quick n' painless death, crystal meth//
Addictions caused frictions until conviction, drug addiction caused eviction//
what a position... should a saw a physician, or asked for help//
Too late... unlocked- cocked, he blew back is scalp//

TonyRome313 · 06-27-2003, 01:03 AM

Practice this verse this way over the instrumental to "Sing For The Moment" by Eminem (seems to be the right tempo and feel for the track). Write you rhymes to a beat and that'll help. Remember to rap to the drums. It seems you're having trouble with rhythm so keep workin' at that and come back when you feel you've elevated to show your progress

birdawg · 06-27-2003, 01:12 AM

wow, thanks dawg Ive been waiting to see somthing like this for a long time. You should stick around here....the people need some one like you in here to guide them.....much love

--peace

birdawg · 06-27-2003, 01:14 AM

this helps a lot, I write pretty good but as you picked up pretty good it's hard for me to get on a beat and just role with it....people say I sound really good and have a good voice, If I learn to get on a beat and just juice it I think I could go places.......

TonyRome313 · 06-27-2003, 01:19 AM

No doubt. Keep with it. You seem to have a growing knack, you just need the practice and practice is pointless if you don't have some to tell you where you're messin' up so you have somethin' in particular to work on.

No problem on the feedback... that's what I come in here for.

birdawg · 06-27-2003, 01:38 AM

are you ever on aim??...a added you so I could talk to you when your on, peace

birdawg · 06-27-2003, 01:41 AM

whoh..weird, I did what you said and it was like tunnle vision for my ears...I could only hear the drums but was feeling the rest of it n' the words worked..thanks dawd..

TonyRome313 · 06-27-2003, 01:42 AM

No prob.
Yeah, I'm on there occasionally.

TonyRome313 · 06-27-2003, 01:51 AM

one thing to keep you workin' on elevation:
Keep practicin' this same verse over that beat for awhile. As your sense of rhythm develops more you'll find certain words you used to flow it's flow and you'll gradually change them until you've developed the ability to really flow.

*hint: Eminem had the perfect flow and delivery on that beat. It's not bitin' his style if you're doin' this for practice purposes. Once you finally have a verse (in this case it's 8 bars which is 1/2 a verse butthat's all you need for this excercise) that hits that flow just right you'll find that you now have a more natural sense of flowin' (this will RARELY be an overnight venture so don't let your pride trick you into thinkin' you've got it locked for at least a few months of repeating this process). With each phase of elveation you'll notice a feeling of greater comfort with that beat. infact, to this day I still know when I have the right flow by the feeling of comfort and Jay-Z and Eminem both report the same feeling.

birdawg · 06-27-2003, 02:04 AM

I knew how to read my 'half verse' right too, does that make any difference? I mean how you read it compared to how I read it....but the way you changed it up made it better any way...

I'd also like to keep in touch with you to help guide my writing style....not word wise but the way the text is written.

CompassSaviour · 06-27-2003, 03:10 PM

Too many one syllabled words at the end of lines.... but good idea for a verse.

TonyRome313 · 06-27-2003, 10:34 PM

He'll work on that. That's one of the things I was tellin' him to go through all that exercisin' with that same verse for cause when he notices stuff like that on his own he's gettin' more fluent and it'll mean he's got his flow more on point.

birdawg · 06-27-2003, 11:23 PM

thanks again for all the advise guys, this is more of what I was expecting from people here....

Hibernation · 06-29-2003, 01:07 PM

Too Simple

06-25-2003, 12:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	he's gone now ---bird okay I posted this in open mic but I didn't get any feedback, just rates n' shit...how am I supposed to elivate if I don't know my mistakes???? --peace Imagine being alone cold having no one to fall back on no one to care you were even alive Yo, Can you imagine the sheer pain// of nothing ta blanket you but the rain// it's an insane range from shame ta rage// he's the legal age ta carry a 12 gauge// unleashed like rabid pits from a cage// he comes he goes he some times stays// in his emotional maze for days n' days// he just prays n' prays ta god he'll die// a quick n' painless death crystal meth// addictions caused friction until conviction// drug addiction caused eviction what a position// should a saw a physician or got some help// (to late) unlocked, cocked he blew back is scalp// __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/

06-25-2003, 02:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
Kareem Still Ballin Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: New York Posts: 2,952	^whack __________________ banned for flaming the site The IP Address is: 62.219.127.87. The host name is: bzq-127-87.red.bezeqint.net.

06-26-2003, 12:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	whats wrong wit it fucker...?,,,I'm starting ta give up on this place..... __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/

06-26-2003, 12:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	look I saw people posting about how they never got help but I usually always get constructive crit. Now people come in all the posts acting so fucking stupid "it's wack"...no shit sherlock, why the fuck you think I'm in the dojo, now I spend time doing what I like and thats writing and spitting and trying to improve....why the fuck can't people do there part in the dojo for shit sakes!?!?!? constructive criticism people! ^^uppin^^.....for the most part I kept it real with this site and showed love to it..........makes me sick __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/

06-26-2003, 07:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
4gotten Lryical Genius Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Bang Bang Pow Pow... I'm in Columbus and ain't never seen Bow Wow Posts: 1,768	horrible __________________ *GUZZ* - Lyrical Prophet-

06-26-2003, 08:31 PM	#6 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	people in open mic give better responses, this suck....I lost a lot of respect for this site now...... __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/

06-27-2003, 12:57 AM	#7 (permalink)
TonyRome313 ROMEssiah Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: 313 Posts: 460	Ignore them. It was at least 1o times better than ANYTHING either of them ever posted. Infact, if you'd recognize how to write that verse you'd most likely get props from alotta peeps on here. It justs needs to be rewritten to a rhythm. Just use this (if you catch the flow) and work from their to get your verses to hit that rhythm. [Your re-edit for you to use and see why I formatted it the way I did. I only had to change a couple small things in wording so don't consider it a ghost write at all]: Yo- Can you imagine the sheer pain, of nothing ta blanket you but the rain?// It's an insane range from shame ta rage, he's the legal age ta carry a gauge// Unleashed like rabid pits uncaged, he comes he goes- so rarely he stays// In his emotional maze... - for days n' days, he just prays n' prays// Ta god he'll die... a quick n' painless death, crystal meth// Addictions caused frictions until conviction, drug addiction caused eviction// what a position... should a saw a physician, or asked for help// Too late... unlocked- cocked, he blew back is scalp// __________________ "Dogg- I'm at the end of my leash, drownin' in the abyss of wisdom/ Been touched by God so many times, got CSC charges against him/" -Tony Rome #1 Cypher Emcee (July 03) Last edited by TonyRome313; 06-27-2003 at 12:59 AM.

06-27-2003, 01:03 AM	#8 (permalink)
TonyRome313 ROMEssiah Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: 313 Posts: 460	Practice this verse this way over the instrumental to "Sing For The Moment" by Eminem (seems to be the right tempo and feel for the track). Write you rhymes to a beat and that'll help. Remember to rap to the drums. It seems you're having trouble with rhythm so keep workin' at that and come back when you feel you've elevated to show your progress __________________ "Dogg- I'm at the end of my leash, drownin' in the abyss of wisdom/ Been touched by God so many times, got CSC charges against him/" -Tony Rome #1 Cypher Emcee (July 03)

06-27-2003, 01:12 AM	#9 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	wow, thanks dawg Ive been waiting to see somthing like this for a long time. You should stick around here....the people need some one like you in here to guide them.....much love --peace __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/

06-27-2003, 01:14 AM	#10 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	this helps a lot, I write pretty good but as you picked up pretty good it's hard for me to get on a beat and just role with it....people say I sound really good and have a good voice, If I learn to get on a beat and just juice it I think I could go places....... __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/

06-27-2003, 01:19 AM	#11 (permalink)
TonyRome313 ROMEssiah Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: 313 Posts: 460	No doubt. Keep with it. You seem to have a growing knack, you just need the practice and practice is pointless if you don't have some to tell you where you're messin' up so you have somethin' in particular to work on. No problem on the feedback... that's what I come in here for. __________________ "Dogg- I'm at the end of my leash, drownin' in the abyss of wisdom/ Been touched by God so many times, got CSC charges against him/" -Tony Rome #1 Cypher Emcee (July 03)

06-27-2003, 01:38 AM	#12 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	are you ever on aim??...a added you so I could talk to you when your on, peace __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/

06-27-2003, 01:41 AM	#13 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	whoh..weird, I did what you said and it was like tunnle vision for my ears...I could only hear the drums but was feeling the rest of it n' the words worked..thanks dawd.. __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/ Last edited by birdawg; 06-27-2003 at 02:00 AM.

06-27-2003, 01:42 AM	#14 (permalink)
TonyRome313 ROMEssiah Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: 313 Posts: 460	No prob. Yeah, I'm on there occasionally. __________________ "Dogg- I'm at the end of my leash, drownin' in the abyss of wisdom/ Been touched by God so many times, got CSC charges against him/" -Tony Rome #1 Cypher Emcee (July 03)

06-27-2003, 01:51 AM	#15 (permalink)
TonyRome313 ROMEssiah Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: 313 Posts: 460	one thing to keep you workin' on elevation: Keep practicin' this same verse over that beat for awhile. As your sense of rhythm develops more you'll find certain words you used to flow it's flow and you'll gradually change them until you've developed the ability to really flow. hint: Eminem had the perfect flow and delivery on that beat. It's not bitin' his style if you're doin' this for practice purposes. Once you finally have a verse (in this case it's 8 bars which is 1/2 a verse butthat's all you need for this excercise) that hits that flow just right you'll find that you now have a more natural sense of flowin' (this will RARELY be an overnight venture so don't let your pride trick you into thinkin' you've got it locked for at least a few months of repeating this process). With each phase of elveation you'll notice a feeling of greater comfort with that beat. infact, to this day I still know when I have the right flow by the feeling of comfort and Jay-Z and Eminem both report the same feeling. __________________ "Dogg- I'm at the end of my leash, drownin' in the abyss of wisdom/ Been touched by God so many times, got CSC charges against him/" -Tony Rome* #1 Cypher Emcee (July 03)

06-27-2003, 03:10 PM	#17 (permalink)
CompassSaviour Got no brain, goin insane Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: Toronto. NKC foreva! Posts: 1,562	Too many one syllabled words at the end of lines.... but good idea for a verse. __________________ http://www.myspace.com/wwwkawlinzcom 8 lines or less - including spaces size 5 font or smaller no outside links except soundclick, myspace, dmusic -from janitor himself, I'm within the rules

06-29-2003, 01:07 PM	#20 (permalink)
Hibernation American Scumbag Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 15,506	Too Simple

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06-27-2003, 02:04 AM	#16 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	I knew how to read my 'half verse' right too, does that make any difference? I mean how you read it compared to how I read it....but the way you changed it up made it better any way... I'd also like to keep in touch with you to help guide my writing style....not word wise but the way the text is written. __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/ Last edited by birdawg; 06-27-2003 at 02:05 AM.

06-27-2003, 10:34 PM	#18 (permalink)
TonyRome313 ROMEssiah Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: 313 Posts: 460	He'll work on that. That's one of the things I was tellin' him to go through all that exercisin' with that same verse for cause when he notices stuff like that on his own he's gettin' more fluent and it'll mean he's got his flow more on point. __________________ "Dogg- I'm at the end of my leash, drownin' in the abyss of wisdom/ Been touched by God so many times, got CSC charges against him/" -Tony Rome #1 Cypher Emcee (July 03)

06-27-2003, 11:23 PM	#19 (permalink)
birdawg Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 423	thanks again for all the advise guys, this is more of what I was expecting from people here.... __________________ DUB-J ENTERTAINMENT! http://www.dubj.2ya.com/