Verse to Criticize

[ekwipt]

Hook me up wit some feedback on this verse i wrote thismornin in 25 min...Thanks, 1
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My Production is not productive...more like seductive>
I lure u into my music and u get raped, like a fucked kid>

I'm a not force to be fucked with-anyman sneakin up behind me>
will give up sayin 'fuck this' before anyone can find me>

Blindly, I'm missin something...I'm a bible without the hyms>
but i also posses uniqueness like a station wagon with rims>
Ronald McDonald with tims,
A car fulla kids,
Doin drive byes and burnouts
till the citys in skids...>

So place ya bids...In this biznazz how long u think this kat last?>
Just ask an emcee, have him battle me then check his ass crack>
I got coke acid and grass-like Christopher Bass-
i wile out wit a rake in ya face, and dont even ask ask>

Shit I'm outa race- outa place...I'm fuckin Okwerdz>
I usually get head till my motherfuckin cock hurts>
these headbangers -I show em flow- and then i rock nerds>
these bitch chickens- i show the public that they not birds>

I got words that can put the bang theory in porportion>
a course then- in my mas womb u could hear me screamin 'abortion'>
I'm the worst- for my birth my ma gave up smokin n snortin>
saw a cigarette and dropped me headfirst on the floor then>

You wanna c an emcee blow up on stage at a dead show?>
Then get me a quarter of weed and a 40 oz a red bull>
Pscho...Dont need a tooth pulled,i need my whole head pulled>
Rip my head off and look at the brain rottin outa my dead skull>


u Catch a Vinerial Disease- start humpin n cough on me
I'm so fulla diseases the vd just gets lost in me
If i wasn't such a fuck id be into prophecy and philosophy>
now, the devils got me liftin the weight of the world offa me>

Fuck eternal punishment-I'll show you eternal terror>
I'm so ironic i got Satan self indulgin in prayer>
on the opposite note i got the pope becomin a player>
Fuck it...Sing the hook...People get ya hands in tha Air>

[White-Eyez]

work on ya mutli's n strengthness of punches

[KnowTheLedge]

ya i agree...not only that but try n connect ya lines...give it one set subject....u seem all ova the place wit rhyme scheme n ish....keep at it

[TonyRome313]

Yeah, they're givin' you good advice.
You should also get your typin' format down. Don't end a line everytime it rhymes.<---(lol.. I noticed I rhyme alot even when normal writin' & speakin'...it's habitual)
End it where the bar ends. You seem to be on beat but if by chance you just happen to be lucky and don't know what a bar is, just check my "...Barz" post on here.

use more bars

[Hibernation]

Pretty Nice

[Moqtada_Al_Sadr]

illest shit ever

[fikti0n]

fluency is key