gimme some feedback

tk2oo3 · 06-13-2003, 01:50 PM

i was writing this to a beat you can check it out at mp3.com/Auditory it's called language of the night... theres also some dope songs - Connection 619/Tension in the club/Rugged Electricity
this is like a first verse... each of the end words should land on the hit (bar?? or is a bar 2 hits?) gimme some feedback...

im the tombstone of those
who never made it
died struggling faded
into the fabric of time
now that theyre gone they remain
on nobodys minds
i speak beyond the grave
sending chills down the spine
bringing the dead to life
immortalized (doesn't land on the hit fully)
among these lines
the individual died
maybe leaving nothing behind
but the struggles defined
my chapters your chapter
we on the same page
trapped running the wheel of bullshit
like hamsters in a cage
dieing with no name
no money and no fame
disillusioned in this game
reaching out to be saved
shits easier to say than do
its so hard to change
when your caught up
in this life of crime
you never know the night
when your going to die like
right now your alive
tommorows yo last moment of life
i wonder what its like
to be goin up against death
taking that last breath
reminiscin on past sins
hopin to be forgiven

tk2oo3 · 06-14-2003, 03:07 AM

damn comn... take a look at my shit

4gotten · 06-14-2003, 09:16 AM

looks like a poem to me u need to work on ur shit a lil more

tk2oo3 · 06-14-2003, 07:08 PM

thanks, hurtful criticism tho haha couldve told me it was the worst rap but to say its poetry damn that shits harsh...
ok comn more...

tk2oo3 · 06-16-2003, 11:47 AM

comn more!!!

freakin mohican · 06-16-2003, 10:07 PM

u def need to work on better content and makin ur bars longer

Resilient. · 06-17-2003, 12:00 AM

There's nothing wrong with Poetry. That's a fine subject.

Now, you have a horrid flow. No imagery, or storyline, anything. Just rhyming words put up in a dis organized paragraph.

Sorry.

tk2oo3 · 06-17-2003, 12:24 AM

damn harsh but aight... yea i agree wit imagery i know what i wanna say i jus cant paint the picture... but um its not randomly rhyming thrown in i actually was tryin to say something... thanks for the comments

lpoet · 06-19-2003, 11:21 AM

seemd like a poem to me...but not bad

-Cao- · 06-22-2003, 01:19 PM

not bad..

06-13-2003, 01:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
tk2oo3 Registered User Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 2,082	gimme some feedback i was writing this to a beat you can check it out at mp3.com/Auditory it's called language of the night... theres also some dope songs - Connection 619/Tension in the club/Rugged Electricity this is like a first verse... each of the end words should land on the hit (bar?? or is a bar 2 hits?) gimme some feedback... im the tombstone of those who never made it died struggling faded into the fabric of time now that theyre gone they remain on nobodys minds i speak beyond the grave sending chills down the spine bringing the dead to life immortalized (doesn't land on the hit fully) among these lines the individual died maybe leaving nothing behind but the struggles defined my chapters your chapter we on the same page trapped running the wheel of bullshit like hamsters in a cage dieing with no name no money and no fame disillusioned in this game reaching out to be saved shits easier to say than do its so hard to change when your caught up in this life of crime you never know the night when your going to die like right now your alive tommorows yo last moment of life i wonder what its like to be goin up against death taking that last breath reminiscin on past sins hopin to be forgiven

06-14-2003, 03:07 AM	#2 (permalink)
tk2oo3 Registered User Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 2,082	damn comn... take a look at my shit __________________ "Theres ten rules to the game, but ill share wit you two Know, niggaz goin hate you for whatever you do Now rule one, get yo cash on, M O B Thats, money over bitches, cuz they breed envy Now rule two is a hard one, watch fo phonies Keep yo enemies close nigga, watch yo homies" "Weak mothafuckaz dont deserve to breathe How many niggaz down to die for me"

06-14-2003, 09:16 AM	#3 (permalink)
4gotten Lryical Genius Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Bang Bang Pow Pow... I'm in Columbus and ain't never seen Bow Wow Posts: 1,768	looks like a poem to me u need to work on ur shit a lil more __________________ *GUZZ* - Lyrical Prophet-

06-14-2003, 07:08 PM	#4 (permalink)
tk2oo3 Registered User Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 2,082	thanks, hurtful criticism tho haha couldve told me it was the worst rap but to say its poetry damn that shits harsh... ok comn more... __________________ "Theres ten rules to the game, but ill share wit you two Know, niggaz goin hate you for whatever you do Now rule one, get yo cash on, M O B Thats, money over bitches, cuz they breed envy Now rule two is a hard one, watch fo phonies Keep yo enemies close nigga, watch yo homies" "Weak mothafuckaz dont deserve to breathe How many niggaz down to die for me"

06-16-2003, 11:47 AM	#5 (permalink)
tk2oo3 Registered User Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 2,082	comn more!!! __________________ "Theres ten rules to the game, but ill share wit you two Know, niggaz goin hate you for whatever you do Now rule one, get yo cash on, M O B Thats, money over bitches, cuz they breed envy Now rule two is a hard one, watch fo phonies Keep yo enemies close nigga, watch yo homies" "Weak mothafuckaz dont deserve to breathe How many niggaz down to die for me"

06-16-2003, 10:07 PM	#6 (permalink)
freakin mohican Ain't Gotta Be Thug Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: R.O.C Posts: 1,787	u def need to work on better content and makin ur bars longer __________________ "Ain't gotta be thug to be in hip hop" www.myspace.com/aphillyate www.soundclick.com/aphillyate

06-17-2003, 12:00 AM	#7 (permalink)
Resilient. ILLWEEMAN Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: En-Why Sucka Posts: 23,774	There's nothing wrong with Poetry. That's a fine subject. Now, you have a horrid flow. No imagery, or storyline, anything. Just rhyming words put up in a dis organized paragraph. Sorry. __________________ I'M JUST A H O O L I G A N OF CYBER RAP (What The Shit is a Textmaster?) ------------------------- iLLWeeZGoD Baby! My RBL Battle Vs. Linesman

06-17-2003, 12:24 AM	#8 (permalink)
tk2oo3 Registered User Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 2,082	damn harsh but aight... yea i agree wit imagery i know what i wanna say i jus cant paint the picture... but um its not randomly rhyming thrown in i actually was tryin to say something... thanks for the comments __________________ "Theres ten rules to the game, but ill share wit you two Know, niggaz goin hate you for whatever you do Now rule one, get yo cash on, M O B Thats, money over bitches, cuz they breed envy Now rule two is a hard one, watch fo phonies Keep yo enemies close nigga, watch yo homies" "Weak mothafuckaz dont deserve to breathe How many niggaz down to die for me"

06-19-2003, 11:21 AM	#9 (permalink)
lpoet POET Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Indianapolis, IN Posts: 12,672	seemd like a poem to me...but not bad __________________ "SHE CAME BACK TO ME AND I PRAY SHE STAYS" --lpoet

06-22-2003, 01:19 PM	#10 (permalink)
-Cao- A Tru Visionary Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: So.California Posts: 261	not bad..

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