[Jimmy Eles]

okay...

bay - this idea was a good one...i just dont think executed it right....maybe you didn't proof read or something but alot of the sentances didn't make much sense ..which really fucked up the flow of the story..it was a chore to read..trying to think exactly wtf you are talking bout...here an ex..
If I do too much blood could spill out to much love could spill out..
I got this dollar from my dad, in is will it was to my hands it filled out................iunno what you where trying to say here...scheme was simple..not many multi's or midbars...but the thought was creative..and you did well with the emotional aspect of your charecter...

atr- it seems to me like you where trying to hard to make this complx..and come up with poetic wording and shit like that...which kinda had the oppisit effect because some of it was nice n descriptive and other times it didn't...kinda hit or miss..again a simple scheme ..not many multi's..flow was there though and i could gt through your story in coherant thought...so thats a plus...mechanics weren't great but the sotry itself was an interesting read..

vote - atreayu ......his story was better told....bay you had a good idea..it just seems you didn't go back threw and check simple errors...which really hurt you..and messed up the whole story for me....you mighta edged this out if the story was more on point because niether of your mechanics were up to snuff...