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Dougie - you're certainly making strides forward in your writing .. it's really hard to pull off pieces that are full of dialogue .. you gave it a shot and it wasn't too bad .. the conversation suffers from not really understanding who is saying what with little character development and constant blocks of back and forth script .. now you can do what you did last week and colour code the verse .. but another and more profitable with voters way is to get some imagery and descriptive work in between the speaking .. e.g.- #Ed spoke, "...", he said with a passion / Jack replied "..." in respectful fashion# .. setting the scene and painting the picture using the text .. it was pretty decent with what you did in altering the quote and adjusting the story accordingly .. built up a story that showed effort and the rhyming was of a better standard for sure .. props on the progression .. keep at it ..
Pain - used the 64 limit effectively .. 4 sets of 16 lines and each stanza was smooth to read .. my personal favourite was the final verse and the use of the metaphorical highway / directions business was pretty sick .. it leaves rose tinted glasses when an ending hits you (the reader) like that cos it's almost like a "this makes up for any shortcomings getting here" .. I mean .. although the flow was solid and the mechanics were all fine .. I found the content a bit hit and miss for me .. dips in interest of what I was reading but it was written with enough deftness to see me through to the other 60-70% of it that I was enjoying reading ..
Vote = Pain .. a very solid showing from Pain in a match it is possible to slip up against .. Dougie is going to do a Trybz soon and drop a bomb on someone who will have to have a good showing to win .. a banana skin in the league and someone not to sleep on .. however .. Pain took this on experience and stronger grasp of writing rhymes .. both had some good and some not so good content and there's not a great deal splitting the enjoyment of the content .. Pain's was just slightly more interesting but certainly expressed and delivered better .. and that ending was real nice ..
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