[Kid Phikshen]

daht: by the end of the first stanza it felt as though i had just finished dragging myself through one long ass verse only to find that i'm only halfway through, way too lengthy here and it took entirely too long to get your point across, the flow was good for the most part, a very natural tone and a good setting for the dialogue route that you chose here, the dialouge itself got old real quick and felt as though it would never end, but once it did end i felt very unsatisfied, this was one of those "moral to the story" pieces with no real climatic ending but the story was too long and drawn out to focus on the moral and it just seemed to dry by the end to actually give credit to such a so-called story, i did not like the fact that the entire first stanza was nearly twice as long as your format portrays it to be being that each line was damn near two lines in a typical structure, thus proving that this verse was killed only by the length and time it took for you to reach such an unsatisfying ending, had the bars been shorter with less dialogue and more cutting the chase, the ending may have been more satisfying and this verse may have been held in higher regard, but as is i just feel that you fell short here, the flow was good and felt natural, the imagery was good, the dialogue was handled well but grew boring, the emotion was eh, overall it was a good showing but i just didnt feel the connection here

got life?: i dug the approach, very fresh writing style from you as opposed to the typical stuff i've read of yours, the flow was a notch up from usual and yet it seemed as though you sacrificed here for flow, such as the blitz and then going on to describe her movements as slow, it was just too much of a contradiction to sound natural and yet it fit perfectly into you rhyming pattern, also the broach, lol, it just didnt sound right nor make much sense, a stretch to draw a connection but i'm sure you did in your mind, yet and still i appreciate the tone you set here although the plot to begin with is a bit cloudy due to word choice, the ocean/motion/commotion segment threw the flow off a tad syllabically, a good take on the picture here, the flow picked back up and all in all the story was worth the read and delivered a solid interpretation of the emotion displayed by the picture, a much more fulfilling story that was not a victim of length or wordy descriptions but rather cut the point and covered the necessary ground to deliver a script with a centralized meaning, the imagery here was done nicely for the most part, more specifically towards the ending, the image of her death was the best part of the verse, a lot of the descriptions however were lost in unnatural wordage or flow, overall i still enjoyed reading this and was far more satisfyed than the prior verse

both verses had their strengths and weaknesses, both were good stories for the most part and written well by two good writers, the defining differences arises when weighing each verse's weaknesses in which a verse that ends up boring me obviously falls short compared to a verse with other minor weaknesses, daht was just too wordy and lengthy and took forever to cover his ground only to deliver a partially satisfying ending which could have been much stronger and as is would have been had the rest of the verse been fitted wisely, got life? on the other hand had minor discrepencies in flow and word usage which overall only slightly hindered the actual impact of the verse, but i enjoyed his format and tone and overall his story was more fullfilling by the end and therefore i vote for got life?

daht, i think you just need to be a tad more creative, not so much as with the story because this story would have worked fine but with the development of the story and the structure/format in which you present it, tailor it up and cut the excess waste and you'll have a solid, tight nit script which will be hard to compete with, your flow is already solid for the most part as well as your imagery, keep it up and you'll be a force to be reckoned

got life?, my only beef would be to brush up the flow in certain areas, the word usage can be good or bad depending on who's reading and therefore i wouldn't necessarily advise you to adjust in that area although you should definately take note of it, the progression may have been somewhat rapid which sometimes could be bad although here it worked considering your competition, the imagery was good

good job by both, nice match