[Got Life?]

Ink - lets start with some positives and then we'll get to the negatives...I think this flowed smoother than most of what I've read from you to date and naturally I'm a fan of the short bar structure, it makes the read friendlier. Another thing I think you hit on well, especially towards the end way the imagery and emotion. Now for the bad parts. I think the first 40 some odd bars just dragged brutally, even though they were short and flowed well. It's just that they were about absolutely nothing. You created Egypt into this ultra barren place as if there's no life throughout it, and why did God pick this guy to be a martyr...you can't just say that and give him some deep insight at the end without building a relatable character to the audience from the start. Because of that I think the piece missed the mark, the end definitely saved it but I think you could have developed the character more and avoided the repetition of sand and dunes and the predictable mirages and such. Or you could have done more with the mirages, like say how he ran to the water hole only to come up with hot dry sand in his mouth and hit on the imagery and the emotion of his suffering. There was a lot you could have done here, but you didn't. The other thing is, that the actual topic line, when you threw it in there kind of stuck out like a sore thumb in the verse, the wording just wasn't natural with the progression of the writers voice throughout the entire piece. I hope you can see the constructive crit in this and improve from it. This was a good verse, but it could have been so much more.

Kid - Same story, postives first...the flow was really smooth and the scheme was very good for the most part although forced at parts...the content was fresh and slightly comedic and it was a pretty creative take on the topic so I'll give you that, but to me...there was a lot of imagery here that didn't work...like "red erection"...how I dread rejection...it almost felt as though the guy raped her and she bled and he did it because he dreaded rejection, but to talk about a pimple in such a way is just awkward and kind of irritating to me...It's almost like you tried to be to clever with it and in that your imagery was very convoluted and confusing thus creating this illusion of a surprising ending...but it doesn't work...this whole character that you develop...the whole obsession, it works on some levels, but when doing things like this you need to be much more precise with your imagery as I think in your case you just kind of threw that out of nowhere...and the fact that he kills the girl..well you know yourself that this can be pretty drab and played...I think it kind of worked this week though...oh and one last thing...parts of this really felt like filler that could have been cut.

I had issues with both verses and I liked things about both verses, but I think the most consistent difference between the two is the fact that Kid Phikshen had a fresher concept.

Beyond that these two were pretty much dead locked so with that in mind.

vote = Kid Phikshen