[Quriosity]

lucifa, im surprised and equally dissappointed at this verse, maybe if we were conversing about your problems or how you felt this would have been understandable but as a verse in a creative writing league i feel that this failed drastically in many areas and for many various reasons, i dont mean to be harsh but basically this verse dragged on for what seemed like forever with terribly stretched lines for no apparant reason and a flow that at times made me want to puke, the readibility factor was minimal and this really gave me a headache, more importantly you attempted to deliver a "personal" piece which should offer strong emotion and yet all you ever seemed to do was babble about your life being shitty but failed to explain specific events in which made your life shitty, you went from buying a house to hanging yourself and being on drugs with no explanation, the repetition of those few lines was also annoying and unnecessary, overall i really didnt enjoy this, maybe its because i had a headache before reading but this definately made it worse and i swear it seemed as though the madness would never end, another weak point is the actual tie in to the quote which miscontrues the original conclusion that i gathered, it makes it seem as though you may have acutally killed yourself which doesnt add or subtract any value but just confuses the reader, decent shot but you can do much better than this, there were also spelling/grammar errors as well as a lot of slang and just immature writing tactics, you basically gave trybz the win here

trybz, this started off in the right direction and then you said "and does the things she do" and i stopped reading to type this, i mean really --does that seem grammatically correct to you? sacrificial wording yet again which essentially delivered more harm than help, overall this verse had alot more potential than what it was worth, your flow was better than lucifa's however it still wasnt impressive by far, the tie in to the pictures were good ideas but you executed them poorly, it just seemed as though you focused on describing irrelevant aspects of the story instead of developing key areas and sticking to one specific plot that would have made this story a much better read, for instance at the very end you decide to tell of her abortions which was really pointless at that time and threw the ending off, also wording in some areas like i pointed out above threw me off as well, the ending picture was the strongest thing of the entire verse which is rather silly to say seeing as all you did was copy and paste a link, but it offered more imagery than your writing did and ended the story rather nicely, i dont know but something just seemed to be missing to me and it seemed as though this could have been a lot better, as is it was a good idea decently written with a decent flow and okay wording and minimal emotion

but, in the end i still think that trybz pulled it out here, his verse just offered that much more than lucifa's, had lucifa ever touched on exactly why he felt as though his life was shitty instead of rambling on like a suicidal lunatic i think this would have been a better battle, but trybz barely gets the nod here in a rather lackluster battle in my opinion that was probably the least enjoyable yet