|
Lucifa - the first thing i noticed is a grammar error in line 5 "purchased me crib". i hate to critique pieces like this because they are so personal, and who am i to tell someone that their life experiences don't compel me? so i will not grade you on those experiences, which i'm proud you overcame adversity, but on your piece overall. to be honest i disliked the repetitiveness of the few lines in the beginning middle and so on. it just took away and made an already kind of cliche piece even more monotonous. the mechanics need a little work, but the thing that held this piece together was the emotion, because it was just so non-fictional to me. overall a decent read.
Trybz - this started off with slang "glass dick" of course i know is a crack pipe, but it's not universally known so you should keep it out of your pieces. i have to say though this story kept me more interested then i was in Lucifas. the imagery was pleasant, the story was easy to follow, and the flow was very smooth. i was judging her before i got to the end and seen the reasons behind why she gave up the other kids. it turned from a gloomy piece to a semi-hopeful one. i can appreciate that, since most end in darkness in this league. the end was good because you used the pic to further put an image to the words you closed with. overall a pretty cool read.
vote = Trybz, he was more entertaining, and his mechanics weren't as sloppy.
|