[disused hero]

loving the darkness.

i'm pushing this boulder
with a smile on my face
- Albert Goodheart

i was born at age thirteen
on the wind swept avenues, of our capital, brave and clean
there were
no angels to save my seat
too frail and weak, pale and meek
i failed to see
that only angels would pray for me
and shape my dreams
i've always had the
sacred needs of a naked teen
taken needs, i still shake from knees up
sometimes seize up
breathe dust, it wouldn't be long
before i believed i could see the sun

the doctor was wrong, his words couldn't
soften my song
claiming nothing was wrong
while i was bed ridden coughing in psalms
shuddering hard
momma clutching my palms
rubbing in cheap oils
just to soften my qualms
and try to still my suffering heart
shuffling past outpatients, i felt outrageous
head to toe bandaged
white lights flicker
i felt so shameless

shame is, the car didn't hit me harder, sorry father
you're not where the blame is
framed in guilt, chained in silks, you're not my saviour
i'm not your favourite, shane is
i'm not blameless, i should've looked ahead
before crossing that road
to see your eyes, terrified, filled with dread
to see your eyes, dressed to cry, actually feel instead
of nodding my way
looking for something to say
suffering daily, sorry dad, i'm still happy this way
i know you blinded me, but i'm happy it's grey.

xx.